I started off writing about my mom for the blogging commitment on day 7, only to realize that the thought that I'd never given a thought thus far seemed so larger than life. Truth be told, I grew up being and continue to be ever so slightly partial to my dad - so I had never consciously processed the enormity of my mom's influence on my growing up or how much of her is seeped into me, just by the virtue of being raised by her. I gave up mid way cause no matter how much I tried, I couldn't contain it in words and just like that I see that I am missing three posts already. Now, leaving things incomplete isn't something mom would be proud about, so here I go, all geared up, trying to confine the limitless subject of "Mother" in a meager, abridged musing. And I know, no matter how much I write, it is still going to be utterly inadequate...so I venture on the highlights.
My mom is a feminist in the truest sense of the word. She is fierce, outspoken and has the slapstick humor quotient in her that makes me chuckle every time I think of her comic timing - not just in the situation it happens. She has the business acumen of a wall street giant, creativity of Martha Stewart, Personality of Tina Fey and the cooking talent of Rachel Ray. She can be, if she choses to, as badass as Katniss Everdeen.
I get a very skewed image of the present day's armchair feminists. But back in the eighties, my mom motivated, inspired and empowered women from all walks of life without much verbal ammunition. She was the most successful self employed woman of her times that ran a tailoring and embroidery school. Growing up, our old fashioned home that had generous yardage, was filled with the conversations of women, and the therapeutic sound of sewing machines running in the background. By success, I don't mean just the lucrative one. Her students came from all walks of life - professors, professionals, domestic helpers, high school drop outs and the college girls that were into arts and crafts - she covered the whole spectrum of women one could imagine - and she managed to value add to every single person that crossed her path. Counsel, guidance, wisdom, courage - they all were at her finger tips. She empowered women from the working class, by teaching them the art of sewing without the need of calculations and making them open tailoring shops. Some of them learned how to operate bank accounts, some completed their discontinued high school studies and appeared for the Govt Tailoring embroidery exams and made themselves employable in schools. Some generated a handsome supplementing income for their families. Mom is a woman that touched and changed the lives of many young ladies by providing self sufficiency. "A woman is the crux of the family, A stabilizing factor" Was her favorite phrase and she lived it by example.
Growing up, my mother's 'taking a stance' was intimidating and insecure for the 'please all' middle child in me. She spoke without fear, offered perfect logic for every convention she questioned and she never, ever tried to please anyone by mincing her worlds. Euphemisms weren't her cup of tea. She managed to be brazen without being brutal. I always used to wonder and fret about how people perceived her. If she was hated her for her outspokenness - but I lived to realize that when a person chooses to be true to their beliefs, they attract the right kind of people. I realized how the world is so shocked by honesty and so accommodating to hypocrisy. With her, What you see, is what you get. If you ask her an opinion or suggestion, she'd dispense the one you need, not the one you wanted to hear. Being popular wasn't on her agenda. Ever. But Popularity followed her never the less, like those flock of children behind the Pide piper of Hemaline. Talk about the power of being genuine.
I had this superstition that what ever my mom says comes true. Once in my seventh grade, I messed up a geography paper and was very tense that I might not get a good mark and my siblings might laugh at me. I went to my mom and told her "Amma, please tell me that I'll get at least 80% in geography paper" to which she replied without a pause "I wish you what you deserve. If it a 30% you deserve, I wish you just that. It is a good thing to face the consequences and learn from them. Failure isn't the end all. Not improvising on our failures is." She singled us out and corrected us in public. She always used to say " I am not here to inflate your ego. The world isn't going to dote on you once I am done with it. Instead, learn to be pointed out at, learnt to handle insults, criticism and disappointments so you are prepared and not protected" I employ the same parenting tactic with both my children and I know it would do them good even if they temporarily wish they weren't born to me. (grin)
Mom created and spread a whole entire body of knowledge in her field, with little mentoring. She was self taught. We grew up wearing very unique and perfectly crafted dresses all our childhood and teens. She made sure all the three of us girls knew how to stitch our own clothes by the time we were in middle school. Now when I look back, I feel so blessed - we grew up wearing one of a kind couture fashion crafted out of cloth she purchased from the fabric vendors that sold bits and pieces of cloth from the humble duffel bags they carried on their cycles. She had the magical ability to sketch lovely outfits and pair unusual textures. Her eye for detail and perfection was mesmerizing and sweat inducing at the same time.
When mom does something, it would be a sight to behold - from decorating visually brilliant altars for all the festivals to cooking up the most yummy looking dishes, she aces it all. Watching her hands at work was like watching a waterfall in slow motion. Her fingers work like magic wands, creating machine like precision with bare hands. Whether she chooses to peel potatoes or smock an intricate yoke for a grand child's dress - she aces it like only she can.
Now her parenting skills are something that all the family tree sings elaborate praises of. She had an "evil look" that froze us in tracks every time we wanted to test the waters by doing something sassy or bad. Don't let that give an impression that she was a tyrant that didn't let us speak up or express ourselves. As much as we feared her discipline, she somehow managed to walk the tight rope of balance by making us comfortable to talk anything and every thing under the sun. No topic was taboo in the house. She had a funny way of educating us on sensitive subjects - DD1 movies were the 'teachable moments' - One day, we were watching a young love story, where there were some explicit scenes. Not once would she ask us to walk our or close our eyes. She encouraged curiosity and advised us to approach her. In the climax, as we saw the young, highschool aged hero and heroine march together hand in had, winning over the world - she had her commentary, in perfect comic timing. "I hope they do a sequel - showing them beg for food to support themselves, as I wonder how employable they are with that incomplete 12th grade" she would quip and chuckle - precise, perfect and oh so funny! Her slapstick humor did the job so effortlessly.
On an other occasion we watched a movie that had a raped woman jump off a cliff and die. "She lost her virtue, so she killed herself" would be the voice over. These were common place scenes from the eighties and 90s. "What truck load of nonsense" she'd exclaim and look at us. "A woman's virtue is not defined by the person who force touches her. Virtue has nothing to do with virginity" She'd tell us softly. "Don't ever let the actions of others define you, your strength comes from inside, so does your virtue and it isn't something people can tamper with" was her advice to us all the time. When I look back, my heart swells with pride, the way she challenged conventions of our time - all being the middle class, small town woman she is, with a radar and a timeline that did everything to put a woman in her place.
My mom is more popular with my friends than I could manage to be. If this post is read by any of my middle/high friends, I am sure, they'd ping me to tell what a riot she was. She became our equal. She teased us about our crushes, guided us with our growing pains and handheld us during testing times. There were numerous occasions when my friends would ask me for privacy with mom so they could discuss their problems and seek solutions. She was a shrink, a friend, philosopher and guide to all of us. And then, boom, out of nowhere, she'd chide them - "what are you doing here since 3 pm? you don't have anything better to do than wile your weekend chatting away? - What do you plan to do for a living? Conduct 'chatting' classes?" She would roll insults and humor into one and my friends would run to the door saying "Sorry aunty. I'll finish my work and show up tomorrow" while the embarrassed bystander would just be embarrassed and silent. Cause she knows better. She knows that the Lioness is the king of the jungle ;-)
Both my parents are Alpha male and female with upper case 'As"They had differences of opinion that brought the house down but the magic of their partnership was that they always knew perfectly well the art of 'hold on' and 'let go' - As much as she would challenge him, she is hands down, the most dutiful wife I'd seen in my life. She walked away from a bank job because my dad said he needed a helping hand at home to settle and support his siblings (Both my paternal grandparents passed on early and my father, with the devoted support of mom stepped into the parental shoes for his younger siblings) The way she takes care of my dad is awe inspiring. She is doting like a mom and diligent like a servant and I wonder where all that fierce feminism goes and realize, that being a feminist is not about dissing household chores or serving the husband. Like I said, she masters the art of fine balance. And my dad lets her be and bask in her individuality.
In the present day, my mom is retired from her self employed gig and spends her spare time egging my father to flip the news channel to the cooking show. She has this borderline addiction to cooking shows and a recipe folder where in she records all useless cooking and home making tips with the diligence of a research scholar. Sadly, it doesn't end there. She seeks to transfer that acquired knowledge to the most willing of her off springs that would lend her an ear.... Which happens to be yours truly.
"Do you have time?" is a question I dread during our phone conversations, which otherwise don't last more than 10 minutes on days there is no 'recipe talk' as mom has this inability to discuss about anything beyond us and our kids - no gossip ever. It is a default questionnaire and then the TV acquired knowledge of '101 hacks of baking soda that can save you thousands" Or "How do you blanch Palak to make saag panner?" or "Do you know you can skip all purpose flour in Rava Dosa recipe to make them crispy like Aarti likes them?"
"I have to do the laundry mom" I'd plea helplessly.
"Never mind your dirty laundry - you have something or the other all the time. Listen to me while your little one naps" would be her firm order.
I give in and listen. She's gone through so much in her life, single handed, cruising like a super woman, never letting a whimper, never looking out to put the blame elsewhere and duck her duties, never cutting corners in her path of perfection. I didn't think of writing her a tribute, but I am glad, I always take the time to listen to all the useless tips she remembers to tell me, but forgets that she'd told them a dozen times already.
God bless strong women. God bless mature, sensitive, sensible, irreverent, funny, bad ass women - They change the world, spread the light and they might also end up creating frail xeroxes of themselves that muse on their inspiration.
:-)
