Ambience - An unusually cold April evening.
Mood - reflection
Looping - John Legend and Meghan Trainor ( reminding us to love our lives while we are at it)
In the fall of 2018, we were in the middle of a major home improvement project - it was September, my favorite month of my favorite season. The weather outside was just the perfect balance of sunshine and a cool, soothing breeze. It is funny how the texture of the day outside plays a background in how I feel for the day and on that particular night, I remember the balminess of the air outside and the smell of paint inside the house. We were hosting a group of our closest friends on a Thursday evening, an odd day to have a gathering - but we did it. The kitchen wasn't ready but the stove was in place and ready to be used. I cooked up a storm. One of our close friends had a tag along. I'll call him the Angel. So I didn't meet Angel before. When I opened the door for them, we smiled and shook hands as the introductions happened, though for me it didn't feel like I was meeting him for the first time.
As they entered the room, we had masking tape that was to be peeled off the freshly laid wooden flooring. I had a pile of dirty dishes in the brand new farmhouse sink. I didn't have extra hands to clean them before the company arrived. As I set the table for dinner, I caught Angel spring into action, like he belonged in the house. He swiftly moved across the length and breadth of the house and peeled off the tape while hubby was at it, lending him the helping hand. It was good thus far - and then he barricaded the kitchen sink, with a scrub in his hand, scouring away the dishes that were left there to be cleaned. I caught him in my peripheral vision, let out a shriek and ran to urge him to stop what he was doing. Like I said, I didn't know him before to take the liberty to pull him by his sleeve. Upon persistent insistence, Angel moved away from the kitchen sink, completing most half of the scouring as he resisted budging from there and took over the vacuum cleaner to attack the floors. At this point, hubby and I just took the bull by the horns - or hands in this case. We both held him on each side and dragged him to the table. Angel finally sat to eat.
During our conversation over dinner, I learned that Angel is into animation production. Now the common friend started off on a tangent about this lousy blog and how she thinks I am a "writer"
"Oh wow" Angel exclaimed. "I am looking for a story, do you think you can help me?"
I was beside myself with embarrassment. "Oh no, please don't believe her, I have no blog and I am no writer" I bluffed through my teeth (about my blog I mean ;) that's probably because I am very sure about the latter - of me not being any kind of writer, even a very lousy one. Anyone relate to that? no not to my not being a writer of any kind,( let's be unanimous about it and have no doubt) but to the self doubt we all seem to be face to face with now and again. But what Angel said in response was very sweet and utterly charming.
"We all have a book inside of us, we all do" He added "And when I see you I see the book more than I see you"
Now, how else can you address such a sweet soul? Other then as Angel? Someone who is so bent upon making the other feel worthy, capable and on a mission? That's exactly how I felt that night - it felt as if the clemency of the night was gracing its love on me and for once, I believed that I indeed had a book in me, and I also have it in me to give it a word form and let it loose out of the shackles of my heart.
And guess what? The very next morning, I had an epiphany. I saw the book - the log line of the theme, stray details here and there coming to me in the dawn of the day. I couldn't believe that someone said I had a book in me and without further ado, it makes a hazy appearance in my mind's eye. Is this guy a clairvoyant? May be he is!
It's been eighteen months of day and night ever since that vision of a Book came to me. I had personal deadlines that I put for myself that I allowed myself to push and push and push again. If I had to list of my downfalls (which are way too many to count to begin with) I'd have to begin with my laid back procrastinating habit. If it isn't on a deadline, or a necessity, I would romanticize the plan of doing it so much and never ever get to the execution. I have tell tale signs of this habit all around me, in the form of blank canvasses, unopened paints, unlost pounds, unmade calls, unsaid thank yous and inside of me - in countless forms that I cannot begin to list, but this book happens to be the most prominent of them.
Once in a while, when I am made to realize what a waste I am, I pull up my socks and make yet another promise to myself and break another promise for myself. I keep brutally cussing my laziness and lack of drive but I fall back into the crab hole of putting it off. I keep reminding myself that I might not get up tomorrow, or if I get up, I could be hit by a bus - I mean, no matter how brutally I remind myself of the limit on my time here on this planet, I just do not seem to get to put that book out of me. How pathetic right??
I am not making any more promises to myself to bring that book out and give it a word form. I might take it to my grave, never unraveled. I just feel amused at how we know it all, and we ignore it all.
I hope someone puts a deadline on it before time puts one :)
But I'll be this total hypocrite and say - Just do it. Write those letters of gratitude, blow those kisses of love, take those bucket list trips, love like you are going to lose them. You are going to lose them. Life is a let go. But don't let the dreams go before you live them.
Geez! The drag that moi is:)
