Ponder - And a Toast for a Silent and Blissful New year :)

It was a sunny day right after Christmas and the spouse and I decided to bond over grocery shopping and hunting for a new bedroom set for the guest room. We thought to leave the teen sitting the toddler and do this errand in a jiffy and then tag the kids along for funner things. As always, the kid duo somehow thinks that leaving the parental unit by themselves isn't a good idea and the spouse somehow thinks that leaving the kids alone isn't a good idea either - these both ideologies intersect and how seamlessly!   That's why we end up full strength in everything we do and everywhere we go unless it is a work related trip  for the significant other. 

So, like always, this escapade escalated to a family fun event. I was somehow looking to pep up my mood and use my shoes as a prop. Now don't ever question  the confidence of a woman that can wear a solid pink linen top paired with a black yoga pant - accessorized with a Kani pashmina and tadaa...sequined unicorn shoes that are a baby pink. Just heed to my advice and don't question her. She is way too figured out for her own good you might think. Think all you want but just steer clear of questioning her choice or offering her advice. It won't garner a reaction, response or a nod. Unless you are one of those people that can handle silence in response, don't do it. If you look at silence as the biggest insult posing as a response, God save you! 

As I trotted in with my shoes on, The first born did her characteristic eye roll. I mean, she looks cute doing that and besides she really needs to up her ante to irritate me, her normal eye rolls and 'whatevers' don't irk me enough - truth be told! "You need to be brave to wear something like that" the spouse offered his uncalled opinion as the first born kept chuckling. "Let's go" I said ignoring both reactions (Look,I told ya!) 

"Your are going to come home and change those shoes aren't you?" the first born dropped a subtle hint. "What makes you think so?" I asked. "You are not going to take me shopping in those shoes are you?" "Unless you want to not go shopping!" I offered. 

"Mother you need to change your shoes" She was more direct. "You are free to change your mother" I like it subtle by and large. Especially in my responses.

 Let me insert some perspective here. All that they say about compatibility is just baloney. Lately I see people being so high and mighty about compatibility for every human relationship. No no I am not digressing. You'll see where this is heading. In reality, there isn't anything like compatibility that is going to come and magically make a relationship. From where I see it, it is humanly impossible for two people to see things the same exact identical way or to agree on everything. Now if we have low levels of tolerance for other's difference of perspective, it is a good idea to look for someone that'll comply with most of your views. But at the end of the day, a happy relationship is the one that doesn't try to alter the other person to suit their views. Once we accept and let others be themselves and love them the way they are, we have nailed the foundation to a successful relationship. Of course exceptions apply, but technically, what I choose to wear on my feet should not make my dear ones embarrassed for me or about me. I think the family gets it without my trying to extract this tidbit of wisdom into verbal form. So back on track, we head out, with the mission to shop, two kids and a pair of unicorn shoes protecting and pepping my feet. 

As I was examining and swooning over a live edge head board in Restoration Hardware, which the spousal unit didn't really swoon over BTW,  I heard a voice in the background. I had to look back to see a beautiful lady probably in her fifties smile at me. "That's a beautiful pink on you" she beamed. "And look at the scarf!" I smiled and thanked her while excitedly pointing her to my shoes "Look at these sequined shoes? how about them?" I wanted her to approve so the bystanding teen is put in place. "Oooh" She let out a interjection in what looked like genuine awe. "Those are so gorgeous. I know those sequined shoes are a work of art and cost an arm and a leg" I was tempted to tell her that I found them on the clearance racks of Children's Place for $7.99" Oh yeah, I have disproportionate feet for my frame and I actually find fitting shoes in the kids section often. Instead of sharing the steal I scored, I ended up telling her that the teen wanted me to change them but I offered her to change the mom instead"  We both let out a laugh. As our conversation continued I walked closer to the lady. I noticed that her platinum blonde hair framed a kind face and the blue of her eyes looked glassy. For a moment, it appeared as if she was in some pain and came out to divert herself. "My two daughters put me in check all the time" she said "And I have son that is twenty one./ He has down syndrome"

I don't know what got into me but I said "That's wonderful" and quickly added "I hear they are fountains of such unconditional love" "yes, yes" her kind eyes beamed with joy. He is an absolute blessing. He has his moments but the joys outdo everything."
For the next twenty minutes I shared the story of another down syndrome kid that got adopted by a single dad in India. The young man fought with the legislature to alter laws to allow single people to adopt kids. It is our immense joy to know this guy in person and call him a dear friend. Time zoomed past. I felt a connect with the woman in those few minutes spent. She left beaming ear to ear, hopefully with the same kind of joy I felt while interacting with her.

As we stepped out of our shopping trip I looked down at my shoes. They are probably a misfit if the norms are to be followed. They'll probably raise eyebrows or trigger judgements. But every time we do what speaks to us, we probably let out a vibe and attract people that accept us for who we and as we are. It reminded me of the time, a few weeks ago, when I met a dear friend of mine in my travels. "My wife cautioned you to be prepared" he said "The kid is in one of his aggressive bouts today" - He was speaking about his twelve year old autistic son. I remembered smiling at him and saying "Just like we all do once in a while. We all are special needs"

"We all are special needs" he repeated looking like he was hit by an epiphany. "How true"

It is funny how a fully functioning brain can make us so wound up and uptight. We constantly feel the need to fix things and make others agree or disagree with us. We conjure up unmade insults and inflate our egos to fill entire rooms. Sometimes I feel we make such a disability out of ability. Sometimes I wish we all could shut down overworking minds and just Be. Just Be. Sometimes I wish we spoke only when our words are better than Silence.

The irony! 

Ponder

(And a 'Thank you' note to the Universe for the wonderful ride)

Another decade comes to close. And I reckon this has been slower than the previous one, in the sense that it didn't feel like a 'blink and gone' ten years like the 2000s felt. As I sit here and wonder why, I feel a sense of 'coming of age' in more ways than one. This can get autobiographical if I attempt to write every little nuance that came in and made me who I am today. So I'll just try to do a synopsis of sorts in no particular order. At some point, it'll all probably culminate into a book worth writing ;)

I spent the first quarter of the decade obsessing about having more children. If there's anything I am proud of about myself, I am proud of the fact that I seldom feel envious of others. There's a part of me that can happily rejoice in what others have like I have it myself. But one day, when I saw Angelina Jolie on the cover of a tabloid at a grocery checkout counter, I felt what I thought I would never feel. Boom and 'envy' peeked its ugly head out. And no, I wasn't envious of Brad by her side. I was actually envious of the six kids that surrounded her, one on the lap, one by the shoulder and one holding her hand. "Would she know if someone sneaked in an extra kid into her home?" the humor popped in to combat the envy but that was pretty much what I saw where ever I looked. I saw Parents with a whole broods of kids and I got into a battle of sorts with the perfect destiny that was curated for me. What followed was numerous attempts to the obstetrician to get to pregnant - and more importantly to stay pregnant. Pills, prenatals, blood works, disappointments, tears,  loss, miscarriages, frustrations. I saw it all.

It wasn't fun for anyone involved and I couldn't really explain much to a toddler that was obsessed with having a sibling just as intensely as I was obsessed with expanding my family. I probably energetically rubbed it on to her with the adamance I had to make this particular event rig in my favor. I succeeded but I somehow wasn't happy probably because my intuition cautioned me not to be. I lost a child early in the decade, just before he was supposed to see the light - a child that was supposed to come and put perfection into my world just came and left. The picture of me having half a dozen kids hovering around me was the only perfect picture out there and that shattered.

It didn't make me bitter. It made me blank. It made me reflective. It made me realize that happiness isn't a destination but  a journey and I don't need to produce a cricket team to feel joyous and complete. I stopped the chase and started to be grateful for what I had and I thanked God for putting me through what He did. I didn't fight with Him, or my life's game plan anymore. When my second born was conceived, I was blissfully unaware of it till I was well into the second trimester. When I realized I was about to be a mom again, I wasn't jumping up and down in joy. I was just looking at the divine plan and how I somehow thought that I had to tinker with it to have it my way. I finally realized that it'll be like it has to be and the best and the only way to live life is to accept that premediation of it and no matter what we are served, we are served what's needed and not what's wanted.

Then, it was my MIL's tryst with cancer. Watching her deal with a terminal illness with that much grace and aplomb taught me lessons no educational institution could ever do. A woman that I watched and admired and in a way tried to emulate for all her 'hands on' approach on life was fading before my eyes slowly and steadily and all I could do was play audience.  This experience was tailgating after my own personal tribulations and the timing of teaching the grace to let go and cementing that acceptance in my soul couldn't have been more precise. I watched in awe as this woman made arrangements to leave like she was packing for an exciting vacation. She taught me grace in the face of challenge in such exemplary way. Ironically, I feel her presence around today much more strongly that I did when she was there to answer my phone call whenever I fancied. It is a sad truth that sometimes, we appreciate what we have only after we don't have it anymore.  MIL's passing taught me to be in the moment and acknowledge, appreciate and give time to the people that matter. We never know when they'll leave, or when we'll leave. This moment is all we have got.

The decade had seen more epiphanies than one. It really steered me into a lane that'll keep going ahead. Amid all these turbulence, I found the one reliable source that I could fall back on time and again. I found my inner light. I started my spiritual quest of looking within. Like Rumi quoted  - the wound is where the light enters. He couldn't have been more right and I have a life to vouch for it. I have loved a tad more, I have given without counting and observed without judging. I have gathered pieces of a shattered heart and made a mosaic out of it. I didn't let the causality clip my wings. My heart is on the mend now, paired with a will to soar and expand and not let my shortcomings define me.

I understand life better, I love better, I live better. And on the happy side, I witnessed sunrise and sunset in the Greek Isles, lost and found myself in Scottish high lands, nursed another kid, stood witness to her blooming into a happy toddler, I fell in love in the true sense of falling in love amid all these experiences  and I stayed put. I understood that perfection is a thing. It might not be theoretically possible but your perfection is out there somewhere, tailor made for you. I attended a reunion in place that incubated me and made me who I am today. I rediscovered that school again and the deep seated love I have for everything related to my childhood. I went back to the roots of my soul, took a ride on the river that makes my insides sing with the people  from my formative years. I created a comic strip - Matt and Bessie are as close to me as my offspring. I wrote all I could, thought all I needed to, I continued to teach and find myself in that gig, I painted live size murals, I wrote reams of gibberish on my blog, I got my nose pierced, I milked a goat, I tasted alcohol, got drunk and smiled myself silly while realizing that I don't need to introduce endorphins into my system,  and that I am on a natural high, I swam in the rain, lip syncing to a song from my childhood playing in my head,   I stood by the people I love when they needed me, I cooked up a storm in a kitchen that looks every bit the perfection I imagined it to be, I binged on expensive cookware, I caught numerous sunrises, I hosted a pair of birds through their family way, I took long walks with myself, I aced my 'roast' skills with the first born, I stayed true to my inner child and wore sequined unicorn footwear without a trace of second guessing, I got my hands on a real time movie script to do my own learning with it and I meditated hours to end, getting a glimpse into the treasure within among many other silly fun things I did.

 I didn't scurry away in crisis, I didn't put the blame anywhere, I didn't hold grudges, I didn't brew bitterness. I read life changing works, I took up learning an art form, I forgave, I forgot,  I leaned that loving is letting go and the only way you own something is when you let it go.

And I laughed out loud  - at myself!

And As I look back on a decade closing, I see that I don't regret a thing! They all made me what I am today. They probably tore me apart, bulldozed me to the ground, burned me to ashes.

But.....Some myths aren't myths. Unicorns may be not, but Phoenixes! Don't write them off.

There's one person that you can depend and rely on no matter what. When you are alone, lonely - when you feel that the world is closing on you, when you feel dejected, rejected, depressed, abandoned - there's a true love that will be out there for you. The one that will watch you, be by your side, reflect, ruminate and pat your back. This one person will be back no matter what, no matter where you are in life and no matter where you have left him/her. Yes, the nature did create a soul mate for us and a fool proof one at that.

And that soul mate is the soul residing in you.

No matter how dire the outward situations are, if you give yourself the gift of yourself, you'll trump through the worst of challenges. No one else can do it for you but yourself. So don't ever give up on you. You are a superpower that can ace through anything. Just be patient and kind to yourself. At the end, it is your inner strength that's all there is and it is all that you need for every curve ball heading to smash your face. Don't hastily look for permanent solutions to temporary problems and for someone or something outward to come and be your knight and savior. Always, always, always listen to the light inside. It has your back.

Did I tell you that the Phoenix thing - That isn't a myth!

Don't give up on your true love. He/She will come back to you. He/She is you.

Most of all, I opened the gift of gratitude. A grateful heart is a happy one. Gratitude makes us discover reasons to be happy.

Thank you Universe, do your thang and take over me. I cannot wait to see how you'll orchestrate your perfection going forward!