That speaks to you.....

Language and words are such a powerful medium. Actually, they are skills that are supposed to set human beings apart from the rest of the species. Super power of sorts- huh? Undoubtedly. But what about the things that seem to speak to us, their own language and conversation without having an alphabet or a vocabulary - heck, what if they don't even have mouths and limbs to begin with, to talk or even to gesticulate but nevertheless, they freeze you in your tracks and download bytes of communication directly into your senses and the brain? Color does that sort of connect with me, and nature does too and then the flora and fauna though not in that order. But I'll stick to 'color' for now and ponder about my special bond with it. 

I was four, when my paternal aunt got married. I remember of all the thing, the color of the burfi that was made for the wedding favors. Back in the 80s, things were done at home, there weren't fancy caterers and event managers - so I remember these burfis being assembled by a team of hired cooks in our expansive back yard, setting up  makeshift stoves by the curry leaf tree that was in Kingkong proportions. These sweetmeats were made in pistachio green and rose pink layered with an off white piece on top. Everyone was probably busy in their world orchestrating the wedding and I only remember my awe for the said piece of confection, my senses devouring them just with the sight, uninterrupted. I don't remember if my little brain was doing a commentary, actually, i don't think my brain ever does it when I go in observant mode - But back on track, my second specimen of awe was just around the corner - As my aunt got ready for the wedding, I spotted a case of the most eye popping colors in her friend's hand - they were eye shadows perhaps. I didn't have the confidence or the attitude to approach and ask for another dekko but that was the second of its kind, that made an imprint of communication in my tiny brain. And little did I know, that my awe was just about to be multiplied in leaps and bounds as I age and spot color all around me.

Shortly down the timeline, a guest that visited, my father's cousin, brought us girls some gifts. Trinkets and a case of liquid kumkum in assorted colors, filled in mini bottles that were attached to a mini disk with a transparent lid. The case became my best friend for ages. Just gaping at that amazing array of color display kept me engaged for hours. Talk about the weirdness, or don't talk about it. It would become endless :-) And that's why I am probably blogging about it, the matter in conjunction to this topic is almost endless and the block is going to be busted, and how!!

Then there were crayons, color pencils, sketch pens, water color cakes - I would say these were my soulmates then, these are my soulmates now. These were my coping mechanisms of growing up and discovering life, these were props that contributed to my growth as much as my upbringing or education did.  I don't lose a single opportunity to buy stationery, even today, be it any of these or construction papers, pencil cases, gel pens etc, and thank God I have two kids  and a hobby for the pretext of these purchases. If they are colorful,  I can hear them screaming their voices hoarse to grab my attention - and little do they know that they don't need to do that. They have me at a sighting - even 'hello' is optional ;)

And all this frenzy for color isn't even the tip of the iceberg. Somewhere in between my toddler years and late teens, I was introduced to this wonderful color cosmetic named Nail polish and it became my crack for life. I keep on saying this that what we love as kids will remain with us forever - if I am to have the good fortune of reaching old age, I vow to leave the greys as they are and might not do much with my creepy skin but I somehow envision myself buying nail polish every time I go out shopping. My fingers would probably wrinkle, my nails would discolor but I'd hold these bottles in my sinewy hand and have a moment of nirvana. That much I am sure of - God should be kind and grant me a reasonably long life. That's all :)

I am not vain much - and I don't mean to say vanity is a bad thing. It is actually a very lovely thing. The more I see colorfully clad, elaborately decorated women around me, the more I smile. In fact, in every party, as much as I fear crowds, my sensory faculties have a party of their own, observing the rich brocades and hues, the sparkly jewel tones over smokey eyes and the whiff of fragrances that linger around in the air. That's probably why I find it hard to communicate in a group of people - as these colors and textures are screaming to me in their own language and my tongue gets tied trying to sort the cross connections of speech. I am frugal in my spending habits but when it comes to a bottle of polish in a color that I love, I look for no pretexts, occasions or reasons to buy it - Away it is whisked into my humble collection of dozens of polish promising me moments of utter joy, just by looking at their depth of color and being lost in that saturation. A few years ago, the spousal unit hit the nail on the head for my birthday and got me nail polish. I felt so understood that year and was grinning ear to ear all the day.  Yeah, gifting is about connecting and so is language...whether it is this banter I type out, without a filter, or the bond I feel with something as trivial as a bottle of nail paint. Give me a connect, and I am a slave for life. A good, willing and happy one at that.

Pictured - OPI assortment, lifted from their Insta feed.

Inspiration

When you stop by

Blessing me with a visit

Don't you sneak in and out

Making the sighting one sided.

Don't you linger around 

The borders of my world

Or spread like Irish moss

On the exposed aggregate 

By the arbor I hang around

Cushioning my feet, caressing my mojo!

When you stop by

To quench your yearning 

To steal a look at me

Just so you stabilize your pulse

Or so you fluctuate it further

To cause palpitations,

Don't you hover above like a speck

Guised as a bumble bee

Or a teensy weensy Hummingbird.

Let me devour you as you toy with me

Make it into a ploy with me

So you can enjoy with me

This peek a boo

Of perception.

For where's magic? I wonder?

Is it more in what I create?

Or more in what I notice!

When you grace your presence

And taunt me 

To see more than my eyes can

Hear more than my ears can

And feel more than this faint heart 

Can ever perceive by itself

My world opens up

To the small things

And my heart opens up

To the largeness in them.

And then...

I really live 

Beyond existence.

Vision

Everywhere I see

Those pristine blooms

Opening up like thoughts of you

Somewhere on the branches of the mind

Cascading like snow flakes

Settling in the gut,

Stirring a whimper into a holler

Silenced into a hush:

Blossoms of plight

Oh yeah, blossoms!

Let them not be thorns 

Atleast in this vision.

Let this gloom tinker them into flowers

Sprinkling pollen of tears

Like confetti

Feigning grief into something 

I learn to live with..

Cause like buds in spring 

They emerge out of nowhere 

Or perhaps it goes nowhere..

I just learn to live with it

Tricking myself  to see them as garlands

While they gnaw at my soul.

The odds of being favored.

Back in the day, my reading escapades were confined to my English and language texts, the humble school libraries and the monthly children's magazine named Chandamama (Meaning the Moon). It was perhaps the only magazine of its kind that catered to young readers. Chandamama was like my own bespoke version of Platform 9 3/4 that catapulted me to a world of magic. It wasn't a comic kind of illustration but had just the right amount of pictures to supplement the prose. It transformed me to the wonderful world of stories and expression. I remember spending many leisure summers just gazing at those illustrations and absorbing their details - much like a modern day child would gaze at a screen :)And then it was the Amar Chitra kadha comics. Between these two publications, my childhood became as eventful and layered as it could get. I specially liked the stories form our epics. They had such a surreal feel to them and introduced me to the joys of imagination and interpretation.

Most of what I read of the stories in the Hindu mythology had one character that stood out like a landmark. It is Arjuna from the epic Mahabharata. This dude somehow seemed to flip things in his favor like he had a magic wand riveted to his hand. There were one hundred and four brothers and cousins as his peers - that's not counting the friends and rivals, But Arjuna somehow always and I mean always had people eating out of his hand and things and circumstances working in his favor. Even curses that were to be very unfortunate ended up being the veritable 'blessings in disguise' for him. Talk about luck and talk about a consistent and steady supply of it. The child in me somehow felt bad for all and sundry around Arjuna. It was like no one else stood a chance if he was in the picture. Unfair no? Quiet Unfair!

So for starters, Arjuna ends up being the favorite student of Guru Dronacharya. His teacher promises him that he would be the world's best archer. Once the guru spots the prowess of a nomad student Ekalavya, that claims to have learned archery from Drona as a spiritual teacher, Drona wastes no time in claiming the Guru Dakshina from this said 'long distance' student that tuned into the Guru's instructions through his own intuition. Guru Dakshina is a fee in cash (or usually kind) that the teacher claims from the student in exchange of his guidance. You might wonder what the fee was! It was Ekalavya's right thumb that the guru asks for. And being the righteous kid that he was, Ekalavya wastes no time in chopping off his thumb with an arrow and placing it at Drona's feet. Drona asks him for this particular Dakshina as he senses that Ekalavya is a finer archer than Arjuna and that voids his promise to Arjuna to make him the best of the best.

The Epic Mahabharat is filled with such sly, conniving plots galore if you are going 'Tch tch'. So brace yourself if a plan to read the epic in all its detailed glory is in your offing.

Then, His spiritual father Indra, the Ruler of the Devas goes to ask for Karna's kavacha and Kundalas that the latter is born with. These two adornments were embedded into Karna's being at birth, And this Karna is none other that Kunti's first child out of wedlock when she invokes the Sun God to grant her a child with the splendor of the Sun. No prizes for guessing that Kunti abandons the baby which would later be rescued and adopted by a kind couple - and much later Karna becomes Durryodhan's right hand. We'll save Karna's story for another day, but just so Karna doesn't stand an edge over Arjuna, Indra takes it upon himself to snatch these divine armors from the nemesis Karna. Convenient Huh!?

And Draupadi, the heroine of Mahabharat that is the wife of all the five brothers (which is a story for another day as well) pines for and favors Arjuna over the rest. We should cut her some slack because it is Arjuna that passes the test of swayamvara and wins her hand - but people - All the brothers are epitomes of virtue, wisdom and strength but somehow, this 'stuck in the middle' Arjuna gets the favors. Again, and again. And again.


Now to quickly sum up without making a laundry list of all those things that swung in our hero's favor,which are way too many by the way, I need to jump to the cherry on top - the Grand finale - Krishna's discourse the 'Holy Gita' and his viswaroopa manifestation that he particularly puts up as a show to his beloved cousin Arjuna - that people, is the crux of the entire Hindu scriptures right there. And on whom is this favor conferred? But ofcourse, Arjuna.


So, Arjuna is the poster child of the "favorite" that is favored by every one, every thing, every time. Full stop. 

Or may be not.

It took me a little bit of 'growing up' and observing the world to decode Arjuna's good fortune. 

So when Guru Drona conducts a test and calls all the 105 princes of kuru clan to come and shoot an arrow at a literal bird's eye perched in the tree, somewhere in the outdoors, they all would be dismissed even before they get a shot at the eye. Because all the princes, and each one of them say they see the tree, the forest, the sky and even their peers when the guru asks what they see. Only this blue eyed boy Arjuna says this "I see the eye of the bird and nothing else"

"Shoot" the guru beams. And the next thing you know is the bird is rendered blind in one eye. Luck seems to favor the focused I thought.

On a different occasion, when Guru Drona's own son starts sulking about how the guru favors Arjuna and not his own child, Guru Drona creates a situation that involves a lake and him bathing in it, with an alligator in tow, that comes and attacks him. He makes sure all the kuru kids are in full attendance including his own child. Guess who braves the alligator and fist fights it to save the Guru??

Is it safe to conclude that luck favors the courageous and the helpful?

So when Arjuna brings home his bride Draupadi, his mom, unbeknownst that it is a lady that he brought home, orders that all the brothers share the prize. Suddenly we have a reverse and unheard of 'polygamy' situation. And guess what? Our hero bows his head to his mother's orders and his bride is suddenly the queen of all the five brothers. 

Luck, The mother and the lady - all three would favor such a graceful, obedient, willing man. Wouldn't they?

When Durryodhan and Arjuna go to Krishna to seek his assistance in the Kurukshetra war, they find Krishna taking a nap. Arjuna sits by krishna's feet and awaits his waking, while our proud and powerful Durryodhan waits by his head, considering it below himself to sit by the feet of a cowherd. When Krishna wakes up he spots Arjuna first and says he'll give Arjun the first chance to pick between his entire army or just himself as a charioteer and Arjuna picks Krisha to the relief of Durryodhana that gets all anxious about losing the help of Krishna's army.

Arjuna knows better. He knows that Krishna is the Omnipresent that controls the entire universe and having him on their side is the ticket to victory.

Luck does favor the wise, the humble and the non greedy.  

And finally, after all the manipulations, the politics, the insults, the injuries, the atrocities Kauravas commit on Pandavas and both face each other in Kurukshetra to battle over their right on the kingdom, planet Earth's sweetheart Arjuna suddenly puts his arms down and goes - "These are my cousins. Doesn't matter what they did to me, my brothers, my wife or the people - I cannot stoop to such low and kill them just to win a lousy materialistic battle" 

Altruistic much huh? That's the whole ammunition that triggers the holy discourse Gita and the divine manifestation.
Not just luck, even God favors the empathetic, peace loving and the righteous - the one that puts the greater good before his own. 
Do I hear a resonating yes??

And for a good chunk of my childhood, I thought luck was random and the world picks favorites based on shallow credentials.
May be it does seem to be like it sometimes. But upon observation, we might notice the streak and the qualification behind such consistent randomness, that transcends beginner luck or any once in a while fortune.

And all things cannot be elucidated to us. These finer qualities like staying focused, standing up for others, being graceful, being thoughtful, being rightful - these things are not taught like a formula. We need to keep our eyes peeled and our hearts open to learn these untaught lessons. And our own observing faculties help- and magically, we have our own 9 3/4 manifesting before us.

God bless subtlety. May God bless all to notice and benefit from it.

Verse

They emerge, They pop

Dissipating into thin air.

I seem to do it on autopilot

Letting these bubbles

Run in infinite.

"Sit still, sit straight!"

The instruction is straightforward.

"Shut it..the vision, the speculation."

"This creation is but a charade

Springing in the thought."

"As you see it, so it is

And not the other way around!"

The gyaan is definite.

It's only this mind, the mirage

That dwells in the drug of addiction

Spinning them bubbles

That rise and plonk,

Such facades of illusion it creates.

Oh just shut it,

And I have arrived if I forget it

And dwell in nothing.

How amazingly simple to hear

How amusingly complex to adhere!

The view

 There's a world unfolding

While yours truly

Scrubs the pots and pans,

The most awaited chore of all. 

(Not)

Or perhaps, this window

By the kitchen sink 

Was designed as a coping mechanism

To the mundane and the bane.

A plot twist of sorts,

An attempt to make a miracle

Out of the monotony.

Those deep throated croaks

Of unnamed birds

Migrating to the warmth of the south.

Mr. Squirell serenading Miss.Squirell

As they scurry on the redwood fence,

Kind of aping the balancing act

Between the miracle and the monotony.

Seasons put up a show
And how..
Just the way only the source can pull it off.
Now there's bare branches spreading their nakedness
Like a challenge to the chaffing winter wind.
Now there's apple blossoms 
Popping out of the dry bark.
Luscious fruit, feeding the famished fauna
Lush green changing color pixels 
To a yellow, an orange, a red and a brown
Change.
The eternal element
Running cycles by the kitchen sink
While irises of a young woman
Absorb those slide shows
Growing up into a wisdom
Lent by time, stray greys and laugh lines.
The soap-sud soaked sponges
Wash away the debris of the dishes
The window by the kitchen sink
Washes away perhaps
The bore out of the chore.
Sending yours truly a memo
To keep her eyes
Her heart
And her thought
Open.
What greets her on the other side of the window 
By the kitchen sink
Can perhaps
Change the dull narrative!

Ponder

It is mid February and here I am, at entry number two. I did seem to have a lot to ponder about but somehow, I managed not to. In a way, I can brag that I had been silent. Or may be not. I had been thinking about a lot of things to blog about, so the mental silence is a far cry. As yet. But, we'll get there.

The second born got registered into Kindergarten. Yes, that tiny peanut that made the big bang wild card entry, like yesterday, is ready to kick off a lifetime of learning, starting with the 'on campus' stint. And then, like I keep reminding myself, it is a hamster wheel for life. Just today I was tracing back to the other play schools she attended in the past. The last one she attended was with a kind lady Ms.A. Ms.A was a dainty woman, with a shrill voice which sounded exactly like the actor Sridevi's , with the same exact diction in English. Ms.A was ever smiling, with a gentle demeanor. Her frizzy, tight curled hair cascaded from the nape of her neck in a loose ponytail. When we showed up at the door, I always had to remind myself not to ring the bell, as it made baby M, A doe eyed toddler of eighteen months, break into a fit of sobs. 
The child, who would be on the floor playing with blocks or soft toys would turn to the door, give me a soul stirring stare and break into streams of tears. Her chubby cheeks would cloud her eyes and the four teeth on her lower gums would glisten in a wide open mouth. 

"She cries when she hears the doorbell" Ms.A offered, suggesting that we didn't ring the bell. The next few days, I knocked, but somehow Baby M used to follow her customary reaction to the door and I would be left feeling like a monster. "It probably reminds her of the parent that left her at the door" I offered on one of those days. "You know what? That's what it is. She remembers her mom or dad leaving when someone is at the door" Ms.A agreed with me. If my first born came with me to drop the kid off, she used to get misty, urging in my ear to pick baby M and pacify her. "Hold her close amma" She would suggest, as baby M would look at us with tear filled eyes, tiny droplets of tears trapped in her lush lashes looking like miniature gossamer fairy wings. A couple of weeks passed and baby M seemed to make peace with the door, and the knocks or the bells that ensued every morning when the school opened the doors to the kids. She used to look at me with dilated eyes, contemplating whether or not to cry. Slowly, the bewildered 'deer in the headlights' look softened into an unsure smile, in a 'to be or not to be' fashion. By the end of the first month, it even felt like her eyes shone a bit when she used to spot me at the door. Her near toothless grin made her eyes disappeared the same way her helpless cry did and we kind of warmed up to the new normalcy of baby M's day. 

When I used to drive back, I used to have flashes of my own triggers clouding my head. Random, seemingly trivial incidents that scrape new hurts out of old, near forgotten wounds. Not until I discovered the mindfulness and letting the thought pass through without giving it an emotional charge did I realize that most of what we put ourselves through is an encore presentation of what had passed and what had pained. When those stories are dropped soon as they pop up, life seems to be adjusting to the new normal those experiences would put us through. 

We stayed with Ms.A long enough for baby M to squeal in joy when she spotted me at the door during my drop off and pick up duty. She used to lumber to me in her unsteady toddler trot and offer her hands to be picked. Once in a while, she used to be perched on Ms.A's hip, her head nonchalantly rested on Ms.A's chest. On such days I would wonder if she was sleepy or a little low in spirit. But life does have a way to make us learn - or learn to ignore, let go, surrender.

May be it is how life prepares us to run in the hamster wheel, moderating the pain shadowing the ponder and boy, does it start off teaching from the crib!

Such a class A bitch this Life!!

So much for silence

2020 started off with the biggest contradiction. To my resolution that is. Kind of reminding me why I never really thought much of new year resolutions. The last time I blogged I vowed to be silent in the new year. And by silence, I meant the silence of the word and more importantly of the thought.  Naturally, I thought that thinking for the blog  and blogging has to be on a hold too for 2020. You see, the actual drill was to keep the mind present and in stillness and I thought blogging is anything but mental stillness for me. And I couldn't have thought of something more wrong.

So, the resolve was put to test and how. It was like all of a sudden, a bunch of my near and dear caught hold of me and cornered me to break my silence. I spent the better part of my first week emulating a call center  and listening to people go into verbal outpour of what seemed like concern, frustration and disappointment rolled into one, at the lack of my accessibility. I soaked in all that showers (or love) and felt so secure and snug in the fact that I have so many loved ones that would not really take a silent me. At that point, the resolution felt like the worst vow I'd ever taken in my life. "What?" "I had to be silent?" "Why?" "Why did nature provide a voice to the human kind?" - right?? Right!

And then the chatter and catching up dwindled to silence. After my morning chores are taken care of, I find myself in this cocoon on silence, wrapped up securely around me. I listen to the sounds of nature outside the oversized windows and consider even some music or television in the background as pure unadulterated noise. It is in these moments of absolute stillness that I hear a dictation in my head and like a well trained stenographer, I open the lappy and type these inspirations out in my virtual space. So the revelation is that all this catharsis of writing comes out of my silence. I mean not the banters and blah blahs but anything that I prize as some sort of creativity definitely stems out of the stillness and that cannot be anything else but the Source expressing itself through me.

The other day, the first born and I ventured into some bonding time at the store cluster. As we aimlessly skimmed through the isles of a cosmetic store, I froze in my tracks when I found a little girl settled up in the front of the busy store, lost in what looked like utter stillness, with a book to keep her company. She seemed like a little saint in probation, honing her concentration skill while being oblivious to her surroundings. I quickly whipped out my smart device and froze that perfection in lens, as always making sure not to meddle with anyone's privacy. And like a chain reaction, I had my own stillness kick in. It was like one of those movie scenes where everything freezes and all you hear is violins in the background. "Thoughts are a drain, be in the present. Keep a tab on where all your mind wanders. Is the past or the future thought that robs you of the present?" I imagine tidbits of spiritual wisdom appear like talk bubbles above my head.
Then the wisdom dawns - what's this incompleteness I feel inside of me? What's this constant 'Where do you go when you have nowhere to go?' question that plagued my mind since the dawn of 2020?"
I suddenly seemed to have found my answers. This space is where I go. It's my go to friend that takes the dump and sorts it out. This space is my therapy, my friend, my crutches when I limp, my readers when the font blurs, my wrap when the chills emerge, my company in my aloneness.

But of course, it's a toast for a silent new year, but isn't life an irony in action?

So I come back home, wandering in those lanes of chatter and conversation finding myself in the silence of this loved space.

The resolution is released. The resolve -  is on auto pilot. And I vow not to build dams to what has to flow.

Let it take over. And let me step aside.

:)

Ponder - And a Toast for a Silent and Blissful New year :)

It was a sunny day right after Christmas and the spouse and I decided to bond over grocery shopping and hunting for a new bedroom set for the guest room. We thought to leave the teen sitting the toddler and do this errand in a jiffy and then tag the kids along for funner things. As always, the kid duo somehow thinks that leaving the parental unit by themselves isn't a good idea and the spouse somehow thinks that leaving the kids alone isn't a good idea either - these both ideologies intersect and how seamlessly!   That's why we end up full strength in everything we do and everywhere we go unless it is a work related trip  for the significant other. 

So, like always, this escapade escalated to a family fun event. I was somehow looking to pep up my mood and use my shoes as a prop. Now don't ever question  the confidence of a woman that can wear a solid pink linen top paired with a black yoga pant - accessorized with a Kani pashmina and tadaa...sequined unicorn shoes that are a baby pink. Just heed to my advice and don't question her. She is way too figured out for her own good you might think. Think all you want but just steer clear of questioning her choice or offering her advice. It won't garner a reaction, response or a nod. Unless you are one of those people that can handle silence in response, don't do it. If you look at silence as the biggest insult posing as a response, God save you! 

As I trotted in with my shoes on, The first born did her characteristic eye roll. I mean, she looks cute doing that and besides she really needs to up her ante to irritate me, her normal eye rolls and 'whatevers' don't irk me enough - truth be told! "You need to be brave to wear something like that" the spouse offered his uncalled opinion as the first born kept chuckling. "Let's go" I said ignoring both reactions (Look,I told ya!) 

"Your are going to come home and change those shoes aren't you?" the first born dropped a subtle hint. "What makes you think so?" I asked. "You are not going to take me shopping in those shoes are you?" "Unless you want to not go shopping!" I offered. 

"Mother you need to change your shoes" She was more direct. "You are free to change your mother" I like it subtle by and large. Especially in my responses.

 Let me insert some perspective here. All that they say about compatibility is just baloney. Lately I see people being so high and mighty about compatibility for every human relationship. No no I am not digressing. You'll see where this is heading. In reality, there isn't anything like compatibility that is going to come and magically make a relationship. From where I see it, it is humanly impossible for two people to see things the same exact identical way or to agree on everything. Now if we have low levels of tolerance for other's difference of perspective, it is a good idea to look for someone that'll comply with most of your views. But at the end of the day, a happy relationship is the one that doesn't try to alter the other person to suit their views. Once we accept and let others be themselves and love them the way they are, we have nailed the foundation to a successful relationship. Of course exceptions apply, but technically, what I choose to wear on my feet should not make my dear ones embarrassed for me or about me. I think the family gets it without my trying to extract this tidbit of wisdom into verbal form. So back on track, we head out, with the mission to shop, two kids and a pair of unicorn shoes protecting and pepping my feet. 

As I was examining and swooning over a live edge head board in Restoration Hardware, which the spousal unit didn't really swoon over BTW,  I heard a voice in the background. I had to look back to see a beautiful lady probably in her fifties smile at me. "That's a beautiful pink on you" she beamed. "And look at the scarf!" I smiled and thanked her while excitedly pointing her to my shoes "Look at these sequined shoes? how about them?" I wanted her to approve so the bystanding teen is put in place. "Oooh" She let out a interjection in what looked like genuine awe. "Those are so gorgeous. I know those sequined shoes are a work of art and cost an arm and a leg" I was tempted to tell her that I found them on the clearance racks of Children's Place for $7.99" Oh yeah, I have disproportionate feet for my frame and I actually find fitting shoes in the kids section often. Instead of sharing the steal I scored, I ended up telling her that the teen wanted me to change them but I offered her to change the mom instead"  We both let out a laugh. As our conversation continued I walked closer to the lady. I noticed that her platinum blonde hair framed a kind face and the blue of her eyes looked glassy. For a moment, it appeared as if she was in some pain and came out to divert herself. "My two daughters put me in check all the time" she said "And I have son that is twenty one./ He has down syndrome"

I don't know what got into me but I said "That's wonderful" and quickly added "I hear they are fountains of such unconditional love" "yes, yes" her kind eyes beamed with joy. He is an absolute blessing. He has his moments but the joys outdo everything."
For the next twenty minutes I shared the story of another down syndrome kid that got adopted by a single dad in India. The young man fought with the legislature to alter laws to allow single people to adopt kids. It is our immense joy to know this guy in person and call him a dear friend. Time zoomed past. I felt a connect with the woman in those few minutes spent. She left beaming ear to ear, hopefully with the same kind of joy I felt while interacting with her.

As we stepped out of our shopping trip I looked down at my shoes. They are probably a misfit if the norms are to be followed. They'll probably raise eyebrows or trigger judgements. But every time we do what speaks to us, we probably let out a vibe and attract people that accept us for who we and as we are. It reminded me of the time, a few weeks ago, when I met a dear friend of mine in my travels. "My wife cautioned you to be prepared" he said "The kid is in one of his aggressive bouts today" - He was speaking about his twelve year old autistic son. I remembered smiling at him and saying "Just like we all do once in a while. We all are special needs"

"We all are special needs" he repeated looking like he was hit by an epiphany. "How true"

It is funny how a fully functioning brain can make us so wound up and uptight. We constantly feel the need to fix things and make others agree or disagree with us. We conjure up unmade insults and inflate our egos to fill entire rooms. Sometimes I feel we make such a disability out of ability. Sometimes I wish we all could shut down overworking minds and just Be. Just Be. Sometimes I wish we spoke only when our words are better than Silence.

The irony! 

Ponder

(And a 'Thank you' note to the Universe for the wonderful ride)

Another decade comes to close. And I reckon this has been slower than the previous one, in the sense that it didn't feel like a 'blink and gone' ten years like the 2000s felt. As I sit here and wonder why, I feel a sense of 'coming of age' in more ways than one. This can get autobiographical if I attempt to write every little nuance that came in and made me who I am today. So I'll just try to do a synopsis of sorts in no particular order. At some point, it'll all probably culminate into a book worth writing ;)

I spent the first quarter of the decade obsessing about having more children. If there's anything I am proud of about myself, I am proud of the fact that I seldom feel envious of others. There's a part of me that can happily rejoice in what others have like I have it myself. But one day, when I saw Angelina Jolie on the cover of a tabloid at a grocery checkout counter, I felt what I thought I would never feel. Boom and 'envy' peeked its ugly head out. And no, I wasn't envious of Brad by her side. I was actually envious of the six kids that surrounded her, one on the lap, one by the shoulder and one holding her hand. "Would she know if someone sneaked in an extra kid into her home?" the humor popped in to combat the envy but that was pretty much what I saw where ever I looked. I saw Parents with a whole broods of kids and I got into a battle of sorts with the perfect destiny that was curated for me. What followed was numerous attempts to the obstetrician to get to pregnant - and more importantly to stay pregnant. Pills, prenatals, blood works, disappointments, tears,  loss, miscarriages, frustrations. I saw it all.

It wasn't fun for anyone involved and I couldn't really explain much to a toddler that was obsessed with having a sibling just as intensely as I was obsessed with expanding my family. I probably energetically rubbed it on to her with the adamance I had to make this particular event rig in my favor. I succeeded but I somehow wasn't happy probably because my intuition cautioned me not to be. I lost a child early in the decade, just before he was supposed to see the light - a child that was supposed to come and put perfection into my world just came and left. The picture of me having half a dozen kids hovering around me was the only perfect picture out there and that shattered.

It didn't make me bitter. It made me blank. It made me reflective. It made me realize that happiness isn't a destination but  a journey and I don't need to produce a cricket team to feel joyous and complete. I stopped the chase and started to be grateful for what I had and I thanked God for putting me through what He did. I didn't fight with Him, or my life's game plan anymore. When my second born was conceived, I was blissfully unaware of it till I was well into the second trimester. When I realized I was about to be a mom again, I wasn't jumping up and down in joy. I was just looking at the divine plan and how I somehow thought that I had to tinker with it to have it my way. I finally realized that it'll be like it has to be and the best and the only way to live life is to accept that premediation of it and no matter what we are served, we are served what's needed and not what's wanted.

Then, it was my MIL's tryst with cancer. Watching her deal with a terminal illness with that much grace and aplomb taught me lessons no educational institution could ever do. A woman that I watched and admired and in a way tried to emulate for all her 'hands on' approach on life was fading before my eyes slowly and steadily and all I could do was play audience.  This experience was tailgating after my own personal tribulations and the timing of teaching the grace to let go and cementing that acceptance in my soul couldn't have been more precise. I watched in awe as this woman made arrangements to leave like she was packing for an exciting vacation. She taught me grace in the face of challenge in such exemplary way. Ironically, I feel her presence around today much more strongly that I did when she was there to answer my phone call whenever I fancied. It is a sad truth that sometimes, we appreciate what we have only after we don't have it anymore.  MIL's passing taught me to be in the moment and acknowledge, appreciate and give time to the people that matter. We never know when they'll leave, or when we'll leave. This moment is all we have got.

The decade had seen more epiphanies than one. It really steered me into a lane that'll keep going ahead. Amid all these turbulence, I found the one reliable source that I could fall back on time and again. I found my inner light. I started my spiritual quest of looking within. Like Rumi quoted  - the wound is where the light enters. He couldn't have been more right and I have a life to vouch for it. I have loved a tad more, I have given without counting and observed without judging. I have gathered pieces of a shattered heart and made a mosaic out of it. I didn't let the causality clip my wings. My heart is on the mend now, paired with a will to soar and expand and not let my shortcomings define me.

I understand life better, I love better, I live better. And on the happy side, I witnessed sunrise and sunset in the Greek Isles, lost and found myself in Scottish high lands, nursed another kid, stood witness to her blooming into a happy toddler, I fell in love in the true sense of falling in love amid all these experiences  and I stayed put. I understood that perfection is a thing. It might not be theoretically possible but your perfection is out there somewhere, tailor made for you. I attended a reunion in place that incubated me and made me who I am today. I rediscovered that school again and the deep seated love I have for everything related to my childhood. I went back to the roots of my soul, took a ride on the river that makes my insides sing with the people  from my formative years. I created a comic strip - Matt and Bessie are as close to me as my offspring. I wrote all I could, thought all I needed to, I continued to teach and find myself in that gig, I painted live size murals, I wrote reams of gibberish on my blog, I got my nose pierced, I milked a goat, I tasted alcohol, got drunk and smiled myself silly while realizing that I don't need to introduce endorphins into my system,  and that I am on a natural high, I swam in the rain, lip syncing to a song from my childhood playing in my head,   I stood by the people I love when they needed me, I cooked up a storm in a kitchen that looks every bit the perfection I imagined it to be, I binged on expensive cookware, I caught numerous sunrises, I hosted a pair of birds through their family way, I took long walks with myself, I aced my 'roast' skills with the first born, I stayed true to my inner child and wore sequined unicorn footwear without a trace of second guessing, I got my hands on a real time movie script to do my own learning with it and I meditated hours to end, getting a glimpse into the treasure within among many other silly fun things I did.

 I didn't scurry away in crisis, I didn't put the blame anywhere, I didn't hold grudges, I didn't brew bitterness. I read life changing works, I took up learning an art form, I forgave, I forgot,  I leaned that loving is letting go and the only way you own something is when you let it go.

And I laughed out loud  - at myself!

And As I look back on a decade closing, I see that I don't regret a thing! They all made me what I am today. They probably tore me apart, bulldozed me to the ground, burned me to ashes.

But.....Some myths aren't myths. Unicorns may be not, but Phoenixes! Don't write them off.

There's one person that you can depend and rely on no matter what. When you are alone, lonely - when you feel that the world is closing on you, when you feel dejected, rejected, depressed, abandoned - there's a true love that will be out there for you. The one that will watch you, be by your side, reflect, ruminate and pat your back. This one person will be back no matter what, no matter where you are in life and no matter where you have left him/her. Yes, the nature did create a soul mate for us and a fool proof one at that.

And that soul mate is the soul residing in you.

No matter how dire the outward situations are, if you give yourself the gift of yourself, you'll trump through the worst of challenges. No one else can do it for you but yourself. So don't ever give up on you. You are a superpower that can ace through anything. Just be patient and kind to yourself. At the end, it is your inner strength that's all there is and it is all that you need for every curve ball heading to smash your face. Don't hastily look for permanent solutions to temporary problems and for someone or something outward to come and be your knight and savior. Always, always, always listen to the light inside. It has your back.

Did I tell you that the Phoenix thing - That isn't a myth!

Don't give up on your true love. He/She will come back to you. He/She is you.

Most of all, I opened the gift of gratitude. A grateful heart is a happy one. Gratitude makes us discover reasons to be happy.

Thank you Universe, do your thang and take over me. I cannot wait to see how you'll orchestrate your perfection going forward! 

Dichotomy

When the Sun sets

On the unconsciousness 

Where does the soul look

What does it see

What does it seek?

A glass of mistakes posing as pinot noir

An accompanying warm plate of toasted nuts

Insisting that there are no mistakes - just lessons!

Down below at the sea level

A plethora of things 

That let go of you 

Whether you let go of them. Or not!

A faint ghost of an ego

Lingering around or perhaps dissolving into nothing

When the Sun Rises

On an elevation, an evolution, an ascension.

When endorphins become a store brand

Made in house

Chuck that glass of mistakes

Down the drain.

Why let a spirit taint the spiritual?

The elixir that’s there, just for asking!

Let the Sun never rise

On that unconsciousness again.

Let it just usher the being into the white light of bliss.

That unfolds beneath the noise in the mind.