Semusings - To ask or not to ask

Right when I decided to write some fifty one fragments of fiction,  I get this inspiration to start my month long musings with my friend Shail Mohan - So here's a digress and hopefully an iron clad commitment - A series of musings in the month of September that I call Semusings.

 Here goes day one and the rhetoric is - Should I ask, or shouldn't I?

I have a huge block when it comes to asking. And then I wonder if I ever am comfortable about asking anything from anyone. The only urge I seem to have to ask is when I feel this intense need to learn something. Back in the day, I had my biology teacher put a limit of how many questions I could ask her in her hour. She called me "Doubtage kutumbam" which translates to "Doubtage Family" in queen's English. Other than that kind of asking, I felt little to no need of asking anyone for anything. "Self sufficiency" was the name of the game in our household. We were expected to not ask for any help unless it was absolutely necessary. It was our parents' way of making sure we were independent. Soon enough, asking became akin to dependency or a feeling of entitlement or expectation from the other party, all of which were things well bred people weren't expected to feel. This worked well for the longest time. In fact, it did until a couple of days ago. I saw a gofundme page created by a friend whose spouse is undergoing treatment for some serious health issues. "It is very hard for us to ask" she went on.. and those words loomed large in front of me. It kind of triggered a retrospect of my own 'hard for me to ask' and I went on doing what I do best. Ponder upon that trigger.

So why do we find it hard to ask? I cannot answer this for the whole entire human brethren, but I was determined to do the findings for myself. I realized I find it hard to ask because of more than one reasons. I assume that the other person might think I am using or abusing them and judge me for asking. I assume that if they are not able to do it for me, they might feel bad and I don't want to subject them to feeling bad. I fear that if they say no, in case they have to say no, I'd feel rejected and sad. Or may be I thought it would wound my pride. Or I thought if they are like me and cannot say no, they might go out of their way and trouble themselves by helping out. It was my defense mechanism to not ask so I didn't let people assume I am leeching on them or I protect myself from the possible rejection. Besides, asking is a sign of entitlement and expectation, remember that? But is it as lowly a verb as I assumed it to be? If we are in a social setting and we co exist and if we believe that getting ahead is getting along well with others and success is linked with co-operation, how does not asking and this whole ball of "I don't want to ask" wax fit into that co-operative setting? Does asking really put the asker down? And then I examined how I feel when people ask me for something. Do I judge them or assume they are acting entitled? - No I don't. I actually get immense joy out of helping others, to a point where I keep telling the dearest of my people that givers are the biggest seekers and every time I respond to someone asking me for help, I bask in this glory of being able to help others. I realized that helping others acts as a subtle reinforcement of my ego. Then why do I assume others think differently than me? Isn't it me that is assuming more than anyone else in this 'asking' scenario? Do I rate myself as 'holier than thou'?

Perhaps I do!

I got to admit, I feel that I am finally in the 'now we are talking' mode - In the idiomatic sense of it, as I grow older and hopefully wiser than I was yesterday. My friend's post suddenly made me realize that like everything else in life, asking isn't black or white. Sometimes asking is a sign of hope. A sign of optimism and a sign of faith. Asking is a sign of being unassuming about the other person and letting them decide how they want to respond to our asking without taking it personally or over analyzing their response.  Asking is a sign of inclusion, a sign of humility. An act that lets us admit to ourselves that we are but humans and we need help from time to time and there are many souls out there, eager to help. If we are to survive by ourselves, I am sure we'd not have this whole support system of life into play.

I decided to step out of my comfort zone and ask for my friend. The result was a heartwarming response. Many of my friends pitched in and donated to to this friend in need and that made me feel so blessed. Asking for help and receiving it felt magical, fulfilling and wonderful. It put a whole new spin on this inhibition I had around seeking help.

As with every privilege in life, I understand it has to be used sparingly, but once in a while, when we feel inadequate, helpless or at the end of our rope, we should let our hope, trust and faith kick in and ask. We'd be surprised at what all can be offered in return.

Many things are lost for the want of asking, so next time we are in need or in doubt, we shouldn't be hard on ourselves or others. we should just ask! It can change our life, our day, our perspective, our planet. Into a better place.