Recap

On this day, thirteen years ago, I had no clue what the coming years had to offer - it was hands down, the happiest day of my life. Between a tiring labor and an exciting new beginning as a mother, I was overwhelmed at the best and numb with cluelessness at the worst. My life had changed that day, my priorities had changed and my identity did as well - I was never to be the same again and boy do I get amazed at what all had conspired between that day and this!

The first born was a clingy child - happy, easy to manage, but clingy, like super glue - I doubt if much had changed since then, after thirteen winters to our back. She had opened new perspectives to my world and made me evolve in the way I loved. 'Unconditional" They say - such a misused, misconstrued term. Only a mother is supposed to know it and execute it. At two and a half, she got her first time out. She did something rude to her grandmother. "She is too young to understand" my MIL insisted. I believed differently. I wanted to drive home the point sooner than later, that we need to be considerate.

At four and a half, I locked her in the garage, now before someone calls the authorities on me, I did keep a watchful eye. That episode, she remembers with great detail and improvises with every narration. I am the badass mom. She knows that. She has umpteen opportunities to point out my badassness. But she also knows I don't care this way or that. Or she probably, secretly believes that I love her unconditionally.

We used to have many mom-daughter dates - specially on Thursdays during her Kindegarten. Fried rice store was her favorite place to eat. To the uninitiated, it is the Thai restaurant two blocks away. To date, that remains her favorite place to eat, alongside of most sandwich places, pizza places and salad bars. Yes, we are the foodie duo. We both love to cook and to eat all the same. We bond over our menu planning escapades. She's wonderful for the ego and also brutal at the same time - the flavor she decides to don is as unpredictable as her adolescent attitude. But I try to stay unfazed. I probably get away with a little pretention when I fail to stay unfazed or go all evil mode and give it back to her. I don't know how being cool works all the time. I am flawed. It doesn't work for me 24 by seven.

She reads me like a book. If I stay calm, she'd come and linger around - she'd probe. She'd cajole a conversation. She has a wicked sense of humor and she makes me chuckle in the worst of my mood swings. As she ages, I get more conscious about how much I preach. I take the other road - of leading by example. I hope I do a good job. We'll all have our regrets. I am trying to minimize my parental regrets and I hope that one day she'd vouch for it.

There's a perpetual list of parental instructions. "Drink water" "Your hands are dry - use moisturizer" "Clean after yourself" "Talk less, be silent, connect to the source" "Keep away your laundry" "Why are your lips so dry? Don't we have enough lip balms manifesting in every goddamned draw?" "No reverence to things you overprivileged brat!" "Read" "Read" "Read".... Thankfully, I never need to prompt her to be respectful or loving toward anyone. It comes naturally to her and that makes up for a very content mother.

She keeps checking if she is as tall as I am. I keep telling her that there are more things to us than our appearances. But then she slants her hand and levels it with my head "See we are the same height" She quips. "That's a parallax error" I quip back. We both laugh.

The other day, we were discussing parenting choices and I told her that every parent wishes the best for their kid, but sometimes they might not seem to be doing it. "No parent is perfect" I added.
She paused and said " But you are perfect mom". In all honesty, I was humbled. I am far from perfect. I seem to be more happy and loving with her when she cleans her room, hangs her coat and empties the dishwasher. In reality, I am not supposed to be that. I feel that unconditional love is a hoax...But then she says I am perfect. May be, it isn't a hoax after all. Some of us tend to love others the way they are, in their task master,' badass mom' glory.

I do try for some perfection moments though - like the recreation of her favorite Thai rice from the fried rice store, pictured above. "You are the best cook mother" She eats a mouthful and proclaims. I know I probably overdid the umami or added a tad much of that soy sauce...But she calls it perfect anyway. Then I come to see where perfection lies. It is always within, always in the way we choose to look at things, in the way we choose to love and live! While she is eager to catch up with my height, I hope I can catch up with her ability to love.

Thirteen years ago, a mother was born, she is far from being perfect or unconditional, but she gets away with both the titles.

Only love. Can transform. The ordinary. Into Extraordinary.

Reverse

I wonder what ran in the minds
Of his folks,
When they named him that!
Did they envision him
Getting on to people's nerves?
Under their skin?
Making them reach out
To cozy cuddles
With the heated blanket
Perhaps with a book that changes their life
Or a thought that breaks their heart!

I wonder what the need was to name him
To begin with-
Isn't it enough to feel him
Running chills in the spine
Seeking solace in hot sips
Of cocoa or herbal tea?
Like it isn't enough
That he hides the Sun
Or hides from.

I wonder what the name serves?
Just a moniker, aiding the menace mind
That needs wordage to identify!
A thread to rattle on
Whining, complaining.
"I can't wait for the spring"
It pouts, with knit eyebrows.
I wonder why the name?
Winter....
When I can just be, and feel him
Freezing a feeling many
As I attempt to make friends with him
And accept him as he is.
The name - I can do without!

Sighting

Eternal 

Suspended through timelessness 

The astral light fixture 

Emitting his beams of delight 

I freeze

And freeze him as a penalty 

In my meagerly smart device 

For once it dawns

Upon my stillness 

My transience 

The fleck I am

Amid the depths of the Master’s creation 

Longing to detach and renounce

To embrace the eternal 

Merging into Wholeness.

Deception

There she is lurking
In Reality clothing
Don't let her body
Touch your soul.
Seductress avantgarde
Enticing you
With a Magical phrase
"I am in love with you"
She would croon
Opening doors to your treasure
Vulnerable you, you'd be plundered
Unceremoniously.
Savage little charmer
Don't let her lies
Become your truths.
May be it requires
To up your guard
Like a dam, holding those waters
Of trust.
Don't let her two faced farce
Become your blueprint
To living life.
Close your eyes
To the eternity within.
Let the outer illusion
Dissipate into nothingness.

Semusing #30 - Yay!

When I decided to join September Musing brigade, I got a bit of myself back - a bit that I thought I lost in the process of a the roller coaster called life. I leaped into it without much contemplation - as I think too much contemplation isn't going to put you in action much. That being said, thanks to this bumpy, hectic ride, I got back my - Spontaneity!

When I look back and reflect at the year so far, I feel this year had been a milestone of sorts. I had been through so much of self discovery and life changing findings. I started my quest into my spiritual side though I had always described myself as a spiritual being. I had read so much more of philosophy, psychology and some of physics and made the best out of everything I was greeted by. In a way, I had come of age :) In a way, I had gathered the courage, the self drive and the yearning to embark on an inner quest and I think this year had been the most important year of all in terms of learning and evolving as a human being.

I know I did a little bit of a cheating and catching up along the way of the month long blogging  journey, but given all the impediments that crossed my path and all the demands on my time, I am kind of proud of myself that I stuck to my commitment. It also increased my blog tally - which, is a surge of sorts in my creative life. It got a little tricky around mid month, when I kept facing one unforeseen time vacuum after the other but I resolved to keep at it, come what may. I look at this completion as a small victory over all the inertia and hindrances that I was face to face with.

Going back to my findings so far, I look at my spiritual journey as ground breaking. It lent a very fresh perspective to life in general and the purpose of life in specific. I looked back and realized I named two of my posts "Surrender" in the past week. I let them be the way they are - as it kind of gives me a sneak preview into my state of mind right now. Surrender to the divine will. Life seems to have suddenly simplified, unraveled itself in all the clarity and wisdom I was fortunate enough to have chanced upon. The wisdom I gathered in books was perfectly supplemented by the situations I was put into all along. Which makes me only marvel a little more at the unfathomable intelligence that kind of has a unique program in place to every creature on earth.

My house if lighter now as well - both the literal and figurative lighter - with only the dark wood sprawling across all the surface. My eclectic, quirky, unexpected abode suddenly transformed into a tranquil, monochromatic space. I miss my spring green walls but am equally drawn into the soft grey and bright beige that got replaced. I look around and gasp, I look behind and gasp again....My life is as insignificant as it can get. I didn't do any discoveries to change the face of human life, I didn't churn up best selling writings nor did I accumulate any material possessions - notwithstanding, I find myself at a strange contentment, a peace that comes from deep within, a sense of achievement that shines in doing the pettiest of things with great passion.

Like I said, I don't have an elaborate list of achievements to my credit, but the little tasks take up, make up for it all. Be it grilling the perfectly moist paneer kebabs or sticking to a blog commitment amid a whirlwind of a month that perhaps put every test it could in my path to see if I'll falter.

I didn't! :) Yay!

PS - If you are still with me, try meditation. Thank me later :)

Semusing #29 - Surrender

Letting go,
Things - the ones for touch, the ones for feel.
Digging into the earth
Rooted
But Flowing with the course
Of the divine design.
Not rigging things in favor
Accepting, embracing.
Not tracing back in time
Tagging on to 'only if' redundancy.
Not wondering, not mourning
Balanced firm on here, on now.
Molting the past
Shedding the pain.
Sweet surrender
In the tranquility of transience
Clutching to the infinite inside.

Semusing #28 - Experience

Reward. A great motivator. Every time I ask my daughter to complete her chores or homework she'd quickly ask me "What's my reward?" I roll my eyes and say "Your reward is doing them."

I'll not get into the sitcomish verbal war I get into with her but the last time I gave her that answer, I made an internal pause. Doing something is our reward? How did I mean it? And if I had said it to my preteen, I better justify it for myself I thought and suddenly I started making a laundry list of all things I did and what I got as a reward and though this would make for a good musing.

When I was twelve, I had to change schools - I was suddenly shifted to a regional medium of instruction from my convent school. I didn't give it too much of a thought then, and I did okay in the transition. When I look back, I see that, the change I had to undergo was the best thing that could have happened to me at that point in time. I faced a huge challenge, I struggled to make drastic shifts in my learning methods but at the end, I emerged as very versatile. Almost like one of a kind.

When I was seventeen, I was fortunate enough to have gotten a government Job.  In the late 90s when being employed by the government was a goal many people sough to achieve, I was there, fresh out of high school, drawing the salary of a grown up with the security and perks a central govt job had to offer. Many of my peers went to do their professional studies, some of them stopped back to opine that seventeen was a time to enjoy and study. I did enjoy, I did study too - through correspondence all while doing some real time learning of the world.

A few years ago, I went through a personal ordeal. A loss that I'd probably gather the fortitude to talk about on a public platform one day. There wasn't anything anyone could do to save us from it and I had to endure it as God's will, to the best I could, with the help of my significant other and my supportive family and friends. This event taught me to be grateful. Ironically, an incident that should have broken me, taught me to pause, look around and appreciate what all I have and all the support, backing and love I got in the process.

When I saw my MIL go through a terminal illness, I saw first hand, the power of impermanence, of mortality - of how fragile and short lived human life is. My MIL endured so much pain with an iron clad smile. I never caught her sulking, cranky or complaining. Watching her at close quarters was an experience that put a lot of things in perspective for me. She had been a tremendous influence on me. She rocked her life in all the choices she made while she lived - both in the peaks of fortune and the depths of bad times.

In the past year, I experienced divine grace upon me - some in the form of the most wonderful of events and some on the other side of the spectrum. I somehow, in the process of living all this life, gathered the insight to greet each of my experiences without sorting them into good and bad, they are here to teach me something. They are hear to make me experience something. And then to process those experiences and update my wisdom.

I think what ever experiences we are put through are hand picked, tailor made for us. Only if we cultivate the patience to step back and examine each of them as a experience catering to our evolution - as experiences that make our journey on this earth worth the while.

I know the answer now. I guess. If we make sure  each assorted experience that we are encountered with is embraced with grace, and with an intent to learn, we have arrived! Big time!


Here's to Experience - the biggest reward of all.

Semusing #27 - Saccharine

There's an instant
When reason eludes
When feeling emerges
Bringing down thawed emotions
Flowing like a river.

There's a moment
When stakes are high
When risks seem delightful
Pushing the limits
Rushing in the gushes
Of previously moderated commotions.

In that moment, stand staring life in the eye,
Challenge it to try you
Defy you.
Stand unfazed, stand for your truth
Embrace your Real.
It is once you live.
Just live.

Semusing #26 - Uni-Verse

I sit, back propped to the head board

Stretched, lounging in thought

Looking through the window.

Distant mountains of memories

Emerge in the horizon

I smile, I sigh

I laugh while shedding a silent tear.

Those many memories

Etched in love, inflicted in pain

Parade in the foreground.

A universe of experiences

Stowed into a database

That pops up like an unwelcomed guest.

I honor them all,

Bow to their presence

Hold hands in reverence.

Every one of those bitter sweet moments

That heaped to form the me

That muses, marvels and moans

Stringing meaningless excuses

For a verse.

Pic courtesy - Dhiren shah

Semusing #25 - Surrender

Here's an extension

A masquerade of confusion

As insights.

A tracing of wise footsteps

A grappling of meaning

In a abrupt world.

Here's a tribute

To all those creations that inspire

A yearning to surrender

Yet, a learning to have faith!

Semusing #24 - Haiku

Lush foliage 

Of laments and reveries

Hushing beneath.