Color

From Crayons to water color cakes
From Spice racks to eyeshadows
From flowers to Birds
From visions to words -
Color colors my every little wish
To express my inmost desires
Be it to create or just admire
The numerous shades that beautify
Every virtual lane my thoughts tread.
Am I just trying to give it in black and white
As to what color means?

Clusters.

Verses like misfortunes
Come in clusters.
Dangling half baked, half formed visions
Enticing me to capture their essence
Devour their presence.
Bunches of sceneries
Of music like words
Dancing like agile ballerinas
Play hide and seek
Disappearing the moment
My senses grapple to have a clear look.
Clusters of thoughts, Bunches of them
Dangle above me.
Sometimes I just give up
Capturing them in verbal strokes
On my mind's canvas
Convincing myself
That they are way too sour
To justify the effort:-)

Forgotten.

Last night
An image flashed
Admist the ambiguity of semi-conscious sleep.
I wrote down a verse
An eloquent one
Almost typed it
Blogged it
And felt accomplished.
Why does it not flash again?

Some things take for ever:-)

Does it not happen to you sometimes? You seem to be stuck with something and it never gets done. The "work in progress" sign hangs way too long that it gets dull, jaded, tarnished and sometime the sign itself is obliterated form memory - The figurative sign that is. Happens to me all the time. The day I started painting Winnie the pooh and friends on the walls of our then formal dining space to make it our now Aarti's play space, I was all charged and possessed to complete it - like a woman on a mission. I did it too...except for the fine detail edging that was supposed to painted in the cranny where the wall starts and the foot board ends. No one notices it as incomplete. But to my own perfectionist eye, that is the first thing I notice every time I look at the painting. Yeah, my first of the infinite entries on the forever list.
I have a friend from my growing years. A very special, landmark friend of my life. He moved out of the place we grew up in. He comes and visits my parents every time he's in town. He makes sure that I am updated about the new kids on the block and all that progress his life is making. Ever since I had Aarti I wanted to trace him down and send him a picture of my lil angel. Sarat has his number stored in Sarat's cell. It takes me forever to make that call that can re bridge the gap between me and my best friend.
I have this smashing new idea of making my portfolio for my dream job. I have the details planned out meticulously in my minds eye. Ever night after I lie down in an attempt to sleep, I create - painstakingly, carefully - my portfolio. A sure shot gateway to my dream career. I know - but, it never gets done making my own intentions of getting in my dream career questionable. May be I am way to cozy in my 'homemaker' shoes and never want to work. Why don't I darn well admit that???
I never get charged enough to lose those 10 crucial pounds that would make me fit into half of my existing wardrobe without getting conscious about the spill of fat that would bulge and make me look like 'work in early progress' to make Aarti a big sister. Every time someone takes a second glance at my tummy even just like that, I announce that it is just long piled up baby fat and not really a baby. LOL.
Right now, The Story of Edgar Sawtelle is taking for ever. Aarti goes to bed and I could comfortably slip into my luxury threadsheet laiden down comforter and get at reading the book. I don't. Instead I get trapped in the world wide web and browse ebay, samachar.com, delphi forums or the good ole Orkut jumping from profile to profile to find Kiranmai, my long lost childhood friend. Edgar Sawtelle is here to keep me company for ever - it looks like at least for now.
Why do somethings take for ever? Because we blame it on our mood? Because we are not motivated enough? Because we don't want to do them?
Somethings take for ever if we let them.

Unconditional.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
-- William Shakespeare

This one was one of my most favourite poems and works of Shakespeare when I was a teenager. My cousin once wrote this to me in the numerous letters we exchanged as Friends, literature lovers and pen pals. She used to send me poems in English and Hindi literature and even lyrics form movie songs that were dripping with love. She and I - both fantasized to find true love the way Shakespeare, Akthar and Bachchan (the senior poet Bachchan!:-)) described it - without impediments, without alterations and all that:-)

I grew out of romantic lyrics, verses and Mills and Boons but found Love similar to what Shakespeare perceived it to be. Now , fifteen years from when I first read and fell in love with the sonnet, I feel that my own perception and scope of love has broadened, matured and evolved enough to see that Shakespeare was talking about the marriage of true "minds" and the love here is not the romantic and amorous kind alone that exists between a lover and love. Now I look at Love more as an underlying universal emotion that keeps the lives of all living creatures going - including trees, animals and human beings. Yeah, I said trees. Dating back to middle school, I did read a lesson in English where a scientist proved that trees that are loved thrived better. And I actually performed his experiment on the December plants(with flowers that bloom in December , named after the month:-) in our backyard. I would say to one plant aloud " I love you" and turn to the plant adjacent to it and say " I don't love you" Eventually, it could be my imagination, but the hated plant bloomed less.

So the point here is to love. And also the point extends to loving without admitting impediments, alterations and any other hindrances love might encounter. Love, be it the one we share with a close friend, a sibling, a significant other, our own child or ourselves should be unconditional. It should give room for mistakes, heartbreaks, imperfections and still keep on at loving and rising above all these things. I know of great friendships that were ruined because one of the friends caused the other some pain. I know of broken marriages since one cannot accommodate the mistakes/shortcomings of the other and I know of perfectionist parents who disowned their kids because they chose their partners against the parents' wishes. So are all these actually love or something else? It is one thing to not budge from loving when we have external factors involved but true love is something that accepts the other person as he or she is without trying to change them the way we want him or her to be. Aarti is unruly sometimes. I have a back ache and she wants me to carry her. She doesn't let me go to the toilet peacefully and wants to go poop the minute I server myself my meal. I get irritated but never cease to love her. She is my baby and I bend the way she wants me to bend. Eventually I'll have discipline come in but I am sure I'll forgive her for all her known and unknown mistakes and I'll not nurture the hope that she'll grow up to be the person I like her to be. I think that is mother's love and that is the purest of all.
If I ever have a problem with a friend or a sibling or any person that I remotely love, I'll have to love them in the purest possible way - like I would love my child. Impediments, alterations and heartbreaks should look for adobes somewhere else. And I will be more forgiving on myself and be faithfully in love with the soul that lives in my body as well.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments.
Love is not love which alters when it alterations finds:-)

Acceptance.

Just the other day, I was catching up on Entertainment E! television while flipping channels to find Barney and I saw a program about plastic surgeries on celebrities. Ashley Simpson's nose job was highlighted and then there was this hoopla about how Ashley said she was comfortable with who she is and how she looks time and again till she got her nose chiseled. And then, voila, Ms.Simpson has this perfect profile:-) and she stopped talking about being comfortable with herself (owing to obvious reasons!)
I look at people around me and also at myself - we all seem to have things, physical things - that we'd change about ourselves. My sis G always wanted to be a tad bit fairer since everyone back home used to tell her that she and I look exactly alike except for her darker skin tone :-)) I used to tell her (honestly) that I'd trade my complexion in a blink for her perfect nose. (and I seriously don't understand why people think we look alike - I think I am a mediocre version of her, no false modesty or inferiority complex here - just telling things as they are)
S wants to be a little taller, another female S wants to get rid of her "pear" silhouette. Another S wants a better nose, P wants a fairer skin tone. K hates the "apple" bod. Another female S ( I know my life is full of S es...Phew...! No pun there!) hates her heavy arms. A thinks she is way too short. T hates her thighs. S (again) thinks she has a weird mouth and chinky eyes. U loathes her nose. R wants a head of hair real bad. A hates her butt and K hates his height.
So anyway, the point here is that we all have our own vanity and at least one thing that we'd like to change about our appearance. We take aid of cremes, knives (in extreme cases), braces, trimming undergarments etcetera and satisfy partially our efforts to look perfect. I am sure Aamir khan would have loved to be a little taller, Shahrukh would have loved a better nose and Sridevi...well, did she not surgically enhance her nose? So the so called perfect stars have their share of pet-peeves too about the way they look.
How does it matter if our teeth are not aligned perfectly and you are balding thanks to your maternal granddad and uncle? How does being a darker shade of brown or wearing a bigger size of pants matter? Does it to the people around you? Or does it matter to the person in the body alone? I never look at a bald guy and go..."how would he look with a full head of hair?" No, not even when I look at Akshay Khanna. I think he looks hot with or without a full head of hair. The other day I saw a pic of the yesteryear actor Kirshna wearing an obvious, dense and obnoxiously black wig that stood out like an eye sore. I'd have appreciated him more if he'd acted his age.

A few years ago I fixed a little gap in my front teeth. Ever since my permanent teeth came out, I always loathed the un-alignment of my otherwise tooth-paste commercial perfect teeth. The day I fixed it, I was so glad and couldn't stop admiring my perfect smile in the mirror. But looking back, I miss my little aperture. It probably made me more cute - more believable, human and one of a kind. I got over that thing I wanted to change and now I seem to hate the way I gain weight on my face. My chipmunk cheeks as I call them are dying to get back my high cheekbones exposed and the distinct jawline out. I know, we are never happy cause we are way too vain! My cheeks never make a difference to my hubby. He thinks I have a cute, child-like face. My lil girl tells me time and again that I am very pretty. (though she just repeats to me what I tell to her!)
I wish to be like Rajni Kanth - his own self off screen and very comfortable being who he is. I wish I would like myself, accept myself that way I am made - one of a kind, unique and special - apertures, chipmunk cheeks and all that:-) I wish. I wish.

What's your pledge?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqcPA1ysSbw

I thought it was a wonderful video. Off topic, but have'nt seen a cuter couple than Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher in the recent past.

My pledge is to be a better person. To use my time well and to be of service to someone other than my little circle of family and friends.

What's Yours?

Forgive

Back in school we had a school prayer - a typical catholic hymn kind of a prayer that said "give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our sins - as we forgive those who hurt/sin against us" And then the choir would hit the hi c and go "Oh, forgive us our sins" again. I liked the sound of this tune, the feel of it as well. It was like I could be forgiven for lying to my teacher about homework or faking a stomach ache to miss PT. I always felt good about the bail out option God had for me. He would forgive me for all my sins. Little did I know that real forgiving actually takes a lot of character and it is as Godly as it gets.

I see a lot of my friends crib constantly about something some relative had said that made them mad. They would discuss about come-back lines, revenges and 'paying- it- back- in- their- own coin' remedies. These are the petty vengeance we carry in our day to day lives. Something the neighbor said about the dog poop in their front lawn, some naive comment about our weight or someone making our accomplishments look common/trivial are some of the silly things we might never forgive. We seem to be caught in our own web of un-forgiveness and nurture a slow poison that consumes us form the inside. For that matter, forgiving is more important to us than to the person in question that needs to be forgiven - since our unforgiven baggage make us vile, hurtful and most importantly the victims of our own hatred.
As with everything, forgiving does take time in different occasions. Now, if someone called you something you are not - you could just shrug, smile and go ahead with your life, but someone causing hurt to your family, your lively hood or something more precious will probably take time. Little by little, we heal with time and let go of the hard feelings we nurture for the person that caused them. So, sooner or later, forgiving is the only way out to keep our sanity intact and lead our lives with less complication.

We should probably look into ourselves and try to find the umpteen number of times we'd have said or done something unkind and it might become a little more evident to us that to err is after all human.

Imagine how a lot of heart breaks would have been saved by simply letting go of our hurt and forgiving whole heatedly. The idea here is not to be divine but just to be human and let love spread:-) Like Gandhi said - if we get eye for an eye, the whole world would be blind. A lot of human suffering big and small would have been saved if the policy to forgive would have been exercised. And the best part is when you forgive you let go and alight from the vehicle of revenge and suffering. God Almighty forgives us for everything they say! We should probably let go too... to imitate our creator and better yet, to save our own selves form a vicious circle of pain, suffering and revenge!

So...let's ask Him to give us our daily bread and forgive us our sins along with granting us the strength and character to forgive and hopefully, forget!

Mera Bharat Mahan.

For those who are immensely patriotic - fair warning - this is not a patriotic blog notwithstanding the very patriotic title.
So here I go exercising my freedom of blog (Speech that is. Hi hi hi)

I grew up with great reverence to my country. The flag was hoisted on republic and Independence day, there is sweet distribution and our netas and elders (big and small) give inspiring speeches and remember great leaders of the freedom movement to who we owe our free land, air and water. When ever it comes to talking about how great our country is ,we have outlandish lyrics in bollywood movies where the heroes sing accolades of our country in the lines of "mere desh ki dharti" and the more recent "yeh duniya ek dulhan - dulhan ke mathe ki bindiya yeh mera India" and of course you can go to any social networking site and see happy housewives that park their butts in lavish mansions in the heart of USA proclaiming how artificial this whole country they are living in is and how India is the best - east or west!! Of course, more often than not, their spouses who hold great influential positions in some wall street or Sfo based MNCs and bring home packets of dead presidents join them in singing praises of how great their Bharat is.
I met a guy who thinks that there is nothing in America. But he travels on his business visa time and again only to discover time and again that there is nothing in America. I almost have an urge to ask him if he is held hostage by his company and sent to the USA time and again as a punishment for some sort of crime. I am sure he'd tell me that he prefers coming here since it looks good on his resume. So why folks - why are we such hypocrites? We speak about unity in diversity and our own Maharastrians cannot tolerate our own UPites coming and writing exams in what they perceive as THEIR Mumbai and their opportunity being taken away by a UP wallah. We hate like we love. We kill innocent people in the masks of defending our religious beliefs. We speak about a western world where there is hidden racism everywhere and we secretly like the actor from our little community or vote for the leader representing our caste. We judge the westerners for their marriages and divorces and give lectures about how Indians are people who have great reverences for marriage, but we see hoards of unhappily married couples around us who cheat on their spouses, ill treat or even beat them up but the sacred union of matrimony is celebrated under the many denials and compromises a couple has to go through. We speak about how a woman is worshipped as a mom and incarnation of Goddess Shakti but grope her in public transportation, leer at her at ever opportunity and burn her up if she fails to bring home the dowry that she is supposed to come with. Interestingly enough, you are better of as a cow than a female fetus sometimes:-)
We judge all our western brothers and sisters for being sexually liberal, for test driving their potential partners for sexual compatibility but we probably have the most number of perverts walking around in the masks of respectable citizens. We leave our country out of our choice, get successful, make a career, buy this state of the art four wheeler and a westernized bungalow in the most prestigious real estate our city can offer and sit and judge our foster mother land for her shortcomings.
The next time any of us is tempted to say how fed up we are of living in the United states (or any other Country for that matter) we should shut our mouths, pack our bags, unpark our asses and leave to the euphoric great India where we meet like minded morons who think that patriotism is all about being a hypocrite and beating your neighbor up because he believes in the wrong God or is from the Wrong region. We should make sure though, that we end up in our own state to find an opportunity, lest we could be killed by the other state guys for trespassing :-))
Fellow Indians- wake up! Stop looking at the filth around you when you have so much of it heaping in your own self.

Like this pretty young thing in Ogilvy told me - Sau mein se Nabbe beiman - Phir bhi mera Bharat Mahan!

Envy.

Envy, the polished twin of jealousy is green, mean and everything in between. Well, that is a bad rhyming. LOL. So back to envy - have you ever felt it? Yeah! - right? How do you handle it? How do you shoo shoo it away from your mind and your heart? How do you deal with the ways it makes your heart twist and twine? When exactly do you feel it? Is it a healthy emotion? Is it too vile? Well... most of us, nay - all of us have felt it some time or the other. I have decided to look into my own shade of green and do some introspection as to when and how it comes to me and colors my inside this shade that is otherwise tied up with prosperity and in the recent past with a revolution to keep our whole planet this healthy happy shade:-) What an irony! Green with envy or green with prosperity or green with a reduced carbon footprint?
The emotion seems to be as versatile as the multi tasker color it is associated with. The first time I felt this was when - I wish I remembered. So I'll look into the recent past and see when I'd felt it. Probably a few months ago I stumbled upon a very well articulated piece of writing and I was so green that I could not think or write like the writer that I spoilt two days of sleep in a row, got a unexplainable migraine and went on a blogging spree as if to prove it to myself that I am not envious but am actually a better writer than the person envied in question. I look back and see that any creative person who is better than me in my view is an object of envy for me. Sometimes I read Jhumpa Lahiri and go....wow! But somewhere deep inside I envy her to be so good with her expression. It might sound funny and downright absurd that I envy J K Rowling. Yeah...her of all the people. Am I even qualified to do that? - My humbler side kicks in and questions. I get this daily musings into my inbox and some of those make me turn a shade of green since I would not have thought of that thing to write about. Recently I saw a mom with three kids and felt the ever so slight tint of green in my feelings. I wanted to have a big family all my life. For that reason I envy Angelina Jolie too. Six kids and such a cute group. I envy her for her conviction and her love for her babies form Max to the newest additions (sorry not sure what they are called!)
But just like all positive emotions, good ole envy has a nice side too. Form envy emerges a feeling to outdo the object of envy, a genuine voice inside that actually admits to oneself the greatness of the subject of envy involved, and an urge to do something to match up to the object of envy could actually be productive as well.
Our envy is a reflection of what we want. What matters most to us. At a deeper level our envy is what we want our destiny to be. Well, I can envy Rowling all I want but can never create all she'd created. But it does make me motivated enough to create what I can. I strive to do my personal best and measure up to my object of envy. So if imitation is the best form of flattery, envy should be the best form of admiration.
So grab a can of green paint and color away the world with it. Be it envy, prosperity, environmental consciousness . Make sure that the world is filled with more and more green - the color of admiration!

Happiness.

I think Happiness is one single thing that could be singled out as just one thing that people singlemindedly pursue, whether it is Beijing, Bangkok, Paris, Sidney, Dublin, New York or Timbuktu. We look around for things that make us happy. A friend to share a joy or sorrow, a new shawl, A tube of sparkly lip gloss, a new shag rug for the living room. M S Subbalakshmi singing "Bahvayami Gopalabalam", a nice book to read, falling in love, owning an Ipod, going on a vacation, getting time to exercise, having a clean home, money, success, fame, health...all these things just lead to one simple feeling - happiness.
I just looked around to see what happiness means to different people. Some find it in working a lot, some find it in shopping, some look for it in creating things, some discover it in depriving others of it :-) But the ultimate destination of all pains taken is to enjoy the fruit of happiness. finding true love, having enough to not worry about finances, having people you love around you, having a pet, being in pink health, having a head of lustrous hair....All these things are just happiness waiting to happen to you around the corner.
But is finding it the ultimate goal of life? Why do religions speak about finding God in pain, why do poets dwell on sorrow and proclaim that the sweetest of songs are about the saddest of thought? Why do tragedies become classics and blockbusters? Is it just the yin and yang of a human brain? Or does it have more to it?
May be all sadness also ultimately leads to one thing - happiness.
The pursuit is on right now, right here in every nook and cranny of the planet. Sometimes compromises are made to get to it - sometimes it is found in the sorrow of others unfortunately, sometimes it just exists there but we are too caught up in finding it that it just doesn't occur to us that it was right there all along.
Before actually going on an odyssey to look for it, we all should just stop and look around. We will be astound by the joy we find in simple things. A flower in bloom, a child's smile or a playful puppy playing with the carpet fringe. Happiness - as complicated as it is simple. But is it not our own mind that makes it look this way or that?