Ponder

(And a 'Thank you' note to the Universe for the wonderful ride)

Another decade comes to close. And I reckon this has been slower than the previous one, in the sense that it didn't feel like a 'blink and gone' ten years like the 2000s felt. As I sit here and wonder why, I feel a sense of 'coming of age' in more ways than one. This can get autobiographical if I attempt to write every little nuance that came in and made me who I am today. So I'll just try to do a synopsis of sorts in no particular order. At some point, it'll all probably culminate into a book worth writing ;)

I spent the first quarter of the decade obsessing about having more children. If there's anything I am proud of about myself, I am proud of the fact that I seldom feel envious of others. There's a part of me that can happily rejoice in what others have like I have it myself. But one day, when I saw Angelina Jolie on the cover of a tabloid at a grocery checkout counter, I felt what I thought I would never feel. Boom and 'envy' peeked its ugly head out. And no, I wasn't envious of Brad by her side. I was actually envious of the six kids that surrounded her, one on the lap, one by the shoulder and one holding her hand. "Would she know if someone sneaked in an extra kid into her home?" the humor popped in to combat the envy but that was pretty much what I saw where ever I looked. I saw Parents with a whole broods of kids and I got into a battle of sorts with the perfect destiny that was curated for me. What followed was numerous attempts to the obstetrician to get to pregnant - and more importantly to stay pregnant. Pills, prenatals, blood works, disappointments, tears,  loss, miscarriages, frustrations. I saw it all.

It wasn't fun for anyone involved and I couldn't really explain much to a toddler that was obsessed with having a sibling just as intensely as I was obsessed with expanding my family. I probably energetically rubbed it on to her with the adamance I had to make this particular event rig in my favor. I succeeded but I somehow wasn't happy probably because my intuition cautioned me not to be. I lost a child early in the decade, just before he was supposed to see the light - a child that was supposed to come and put perfection into my world just came and left. The picture of me having half a dozen kids hovering around me was the only perfect picture out there and that shattered.

It didn't make me bitter. It made me blank. It made me reflective. It made me realize that happiness isn't a destination but  a journey and I don't need to produce a cricket team to feel joyous and complete. I stopped the chase and started to be grateful for what I had and I thanked God for putting me through what He did. I didn't fight with Him, or my life's game plan anymore. When my second born was conceived, I was blissfully unaware of it till I was well into the second trimester. When I realized I was about to be a mom again, I wasn't jumping up and down in joy. I was just looking at the divine plan and how I somehow thought that I had to tinker with it to have it my way. I finally realized that it'll be like it has to be and the best and the only way to live life is to accept that premediation of it and no matter what we are served, we are served what's needed and not what's wanted.

Then, it was my MIL's tryst with cancer. Watching her deal with a terminal illness with that much grace and aplomb taught me lessons no educational institution could ever do. A woman that I watched and admired and in a way tried to emulate for all her 'hands on' approach on life was fading before my eyes slowly and steadily and all I could do was play audience.  This experience was tailgating after my own personal tribulations and the timing of teaching the grace to let go and cementing that acceptance in my soul couldn't have been more precise. I watched in awe as this woman made arrangements to leave like she was packing for an exciting vacation. She taught me grace in the face of challenge in such exemplary way. Ironically, I feel her presence around today much more strongly that I did when she was there to answer my phone call whenever I fancied. It is a sad truth that sometimes, we appreciate what we have only after we don't have it anymore.  MIL's passing taught me to be in the moment and acknowledge, appreciate and give time to the people that matter. We never know when they'll leave, or when we'll leave. This moment is all we have got.

The decade had seen more epiphanies than one. It really steered me into a lane that'll keep going ahead. Amid all these turbulence, I found the one reliable source that I could fall back on time and again. I found my inner light. I started my spiritual quest of looking within. Like Rumi quoted  - the wound is where the light enters. He couldn't have been more right and I have a life to vouch for it. I have loved a tad more, I have given without counting and observed without judging. I have gathered pieces of a shattered heart and made a mosaic out of it. I didn't let the causality clip my wings. My heart is on the mend now, paired with a will to soar and expand and not let my shortcomings define me.

I understand life better, I love better, I live better. And on the happy side, I witnessed sunrise and sunset in the Greek Isles, lost and found myself in Scottish high lands, nursed another kid, stood witness to her blooming into a happy toddler, I fell in love in the true sense of falling in love amid all these experiences  and I stayed put. I understood that perfection is a thing. It might not be theoretically possible but your perfection is out there somewhere, tailor made for you. I attended a reunion in place that incubated me and made me who I am today. I rediscovered that school again and the deep seated love I have for everything related to my childhood. I went back to the roots of my soul, took a ride on the river that makes my insides sing with the people  from my formative years. I created a comic strip - Matt and Bessie are as close to me as my offspring. I wrote all I could, thought all I needed to, I continued to teach and find myself in that gig, I painted live size murals, I wrote reams of gibberish on my blog, I got my nose pierced, I milked a goat, I tasted alcohol, got drunk and smiled myself silly while realizing that I don't need to introduce endorphins into my system,  and that I am on a natural high, I swam in the rain, lip syncing to a song from my childhood playing in my head,   I stood by the people I love when they needed me, I cooked up a storm in a kitchen that looks every bit the perfection I imagined it to be, I binged on expensive cookware, I caught numerous sunrises, I hosted a pair of birds through their family way, I took long walks with myself, I aced my 'roast' skills with the first born, I stayed true to my inner child and wore sequined unicorn footwear without a trace of second guessing, I got my hands on a real time movie script to do my own learning with it and I meditated hours to end, getting a glimpse into the treasure within among many other silly fun things I did.

 I didn't scurry away in crisis, I didn't put the blame anywhere, I didn't hold grudges, I didn't brew bitterness. I read life changing works, I took up learning an art form, I forgave, I forgot,  I leaned that loving is letting go and the only way you own something is when you let it go.

And I laughed out loud  - at myself!

And As I look back on a decade closing, I see that I don't regret a thing! They all made me what I am today. They probably tore me apart, bulldozed me to the ground, burned me to ashes.

But.....Some myths aren't myths. Unicorns may be not, but Phoenixes! Don't write them off.

There's one person that you can depend and rely on no matter what. When you are alone, lonely - when you feel that the world is closing on you, when you feel dejected, rejected, depressed, abandoned - there's a true love that will be out there for you. The one that will watch you, be by your side, reflect, ruminate and pat your back. This one person will be back no matter what, no matter where you are in life and no matter where you have left him/her. Yes, the nature did create a soul mate for us and a fool proof one at that.

And that soul mate is the soul residing in you.

No matter how dire the outward situations are, if you give yourself the gift of yourself, you'll trump through the worst of challenges. No one else can do it for you but yourself. So don't ever give up on you. You are a superpower that can ace through anything. Just be patient and kind to yourself. At the end, it is your inner strength that's all there is and it is all that you need for every curve ball heading to smash your face. Don't hastily look for permanent solutions to temporary problems and for someone or something outward to come and be your knight and savior. Always, always, always listen to the light inside. It has your back.

Did I tell you that the Phoenix thing - That isn't a myth!

Don't give up on your true love. He/She will come back to you. He/She is you.

Most of all, I opened the gift of gratitude. A grateful heart is a happy one. Gratitude makes us discover reasons to be happy.

Thank you Universe, do your thang and take over me. I cannot wait to see how you'll orchestrate your perfection going forward!